Saturday, February 26, 2005

Lupina and Lupina Jr.

Originally uploaded by ravenslove.
Ok I may be a little attached to my dog Lupina, but I thought that it was pretty funny to find a stuffed dog that looks like my girl. She is so attached to Lupina Jr. that she carries the toy around all the time. So I figured I would get a picture of Lupina and Lupina Jr. Aren't they just adorable.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Ok I surrender.

After all the crap that has happened this last week I wake up today deciding that I am going to have a good day. Come hell or highwater I will have a good day. So I talk to my baby, we have a wonderful talk. I get up take a nice hot shower. Talk with my Dad he is fine, Mom is feeling better. So far, so good. I have breakfast. Watch Dr Phil, funny show today. Feeling good. Life must be picking up. Took Lupina out so she could do her thing. On the way back in I noticed the flat tire. Not one but two flat tires. Ok day not so good. So I have a call in to have someone come and take me to get both tires fixed with money I don't have, on a credit card that is maxed out. So I had to call in to work and tell them I can't make it. Life is still working on being better. It's going to happen one day. One day it will be just a normal day with no problems or drama. Until then for just today, I surrender.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

For the love of long distance.

Yesterday I found out that my long distance service is cut off. There are a few very important people in my life that I contact by long distance. My best friend D in California, My Mom and Dad in Ohio and my other friend DD in Ohio. So I have been patiently waiting for my friends to get in touch so I can tell them it's off. D was the first to call, which is what I would have bet on. D and I talk at least a couple of hours a day. The funniest part of that is when I am freaked about something, it will only take minutes for the phone to ring and it will be her. Now when I had long distance, it was the same way with me when she was having a bad day. We can't count how many times we have reached for the phone, had it ring in the instant we touched it. I guess thats what best friends are for.
With mom and Dad it was just a little longer. They called mainly because it was my day off yesterday and I hadn't called to find out how my mom was. So we are back to the signal that we used when I was in college. Call, let it ring twice and hang up, then they know it's me to call back. It's amazing how when things get tuff we sometimes resort back to our old childhood tricks, and to our parents.
That left one person to figure out that my long distance is off. That would be my friend from ohio DD. Now DD has a wonderful daughter named Nicky, Nicky is very sick. Has had many operations and feels bad more times then she feels good. I thought it would take at least a week or two for DD to notice I hadn't called her. She is always caring for Nicky, always on the run and busy. It was a day and a half. She called and left a message on my machine this morning. Said she missed me and that she has been working allot of OT and would call me tonight.
The funny thing about long distance is when you have it, you have the ability to reach out and contact all the people you care about. When it's shut off, you realize how much people care about you.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Bobbiejoebillysueteenamarie and the phone call.

So last night I get a call from my mans' mom. She wants me to call Bobbie Joe. Incase you haven't read the baby mama drama post. That would be Raven's son Joey's mother. Now some of you may know that nothing good can come from a call to the baby's mama. It's kind of like a car accident. You know you shouldn't look yet you slow down and stare. You know there is absolutely no reason to talk to your man's ex; but she may just give you that interesting little tidbit of information that you would never get anywhere else, and you can't live with out. yea right. Just in case anybody doubts the intentions of an ex girlfriend of their men. let me tell you right now they are not concerned with either you or your man being happy and well cared for. oh they will sound like they just want the men to be happy and their are glad they are with someone who loves and cares about them. they are lying, just pumping for information. They could give a shit about you and your men. Ok let me clarify that they could give a shit about you. The man is a whole other issue. Let me stop sounding like a lecture and start sounding like a woman who has a bad night followed by a not so good day. Bobbie Joe didn't care about what I thought or what my relationship is with Raven. It started like a normal conversation she told me all about Joey's and how he does in football and in school all things I thought I could pass on to Raven. Then somehow the conversation turned and she was informing me of every charge and crime that she could think of about Raven. Now my man and I do not have any secrets
from each other, or so I thought. I knew about everything she said, except the sentence, Oh yea I got a letter from Raven the other day. Then she proceeds to read the letter out loud to me. There was a section in there referring to me as his girlfriend. Now Raven and I have called each other husband and wife for 9 months now. The funny part of this whole situation is that I told him to write to her and his son. So why when I asked him did he say no I haven't written her. When its obvious by the date on her letter that he lied to me. Never would I have thought that could happen. So I make it through the night after talking with Bobbie Joe and call my best friend D. She and I talked long enough for me to calm down and think about how the conversation would go with Raven in the morning.
The call came in at about 8:30 a.m. it started like a regular day, Hi baby, I love you, I love you too, babyboy. So how are you today? fine. So then he asks the question that opens the flood gates, Baby you don't seem like my cheerful wife today. So I ask, do I sound like a cheerful girlfriend? So he knew something was up. I told him about the conversation with Bobbie Joe. Asked him why he felt he had to lie about writing her. He had no answer at first. Tried to say he didn't lie. I told him not to compound the problem. I knew the truth. It was definitely a rough day at the home today. One of the issues with a relationship with a convict is the insecurities that come with having met him while he is down. You hear a lot of stories about how inmates will use women on the outside and when they are let out they will dump them. This whole drama plays on those insecurities. It's not about the time or the money involved with the relationship, it's about the heart, the soul and the love. I adore my husband, love him with all my being, so to hear him refer to me as a girlfriend to the woman who had his child was painful, to say the least. So I did what every good women does faced with something like this, I cried, allot. He tried to defend his position, tried to make me feel better. I told him I just didn't have it in me to try and make him feel better right now that it had to be about me. I needed him to pay attention and answer my concerns. I asked him if he really wanted to be with me, to come home to me, when he gets out. He said yes, asked" why would I want to loose the only woman has ever loved me for me, stood by me and believed in me. The only person I can trust and who I will love forever." I asked him that is a good question, why would you lie to me about something as small as a letter. I already told you to write her so you can contact your son. Then the MCI guy came on and said that we had 10 seconds left on this call. Since I was crying I didn't even hear the MCI dude. Didn't get a chance to say I love you Shika. Click dead air. Lock down. He had 3 hours to think.
The next call was very different. The first thing out of his mouth was, "So baby, have you decided that I am not worth all this trouble, are you going to leave me?" Every now and then that question comes up. It always breaks my heart. I told him no I would not leave him, that as hurt and angry as I was I still loved him with all my heart. That I would always be here for him and would always be his wife. Then like any good wife I put the nail in the coffin, with "Maybe you should remember that the next time you write bobbiejoebillysueteenamarie."

Monday, February 21, 2005

sheep, sheep and more sheep

I am a phone operator for a call center that deals with people all day every day.
Let me explain, I don't call you, you call me. Usually you were stupid enough to cash a check, it may have been a whopping $2.50, $2.75 or $5.00. Now I understand if people would give me free money I would take it. But is it really necessary for you to call and be rude to a human who is just trying to make a living and survive. I also understand that you may be angry because you were too stupid to remember to cancel in the 30 days free trial period. But come on people didn't your mom ever teach you to be nice. I really like the people who will call up and say yes I did cash the check I needed cigs and that was all I had. Now I would like to cancel. Now I still have to pitch them and try to have them keep the service but I appreciate the honesty. That is the other thing I need to tell all you rude people and that is it's my job. Now I am not letting you stand between me and my paycheck I have to eat and have a place to live. So shut the hell up and deal.
Now the people I hate second to the ones I have just told you about are the ones who call all pissed off and wanting to cancel. After talking with them and dealing with their boo boo feelings. I explain the benefits and ask the infamous question "ok mr sheep, I am going to keep your membership active, OK?" when they say ok we now have a save, more money in my paycheck and you will have to call back when you see the next bill come across your desk. At which point you will be calling me again and we will go through the same bs. Maybe I should just answer the phone. BAA BAA BAA.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

To phone sex or not to phone sex, that is the question.

Ok now that I have your attention,, let me tell you what I mean by that. I love my fiancee. I haven't been able to see him since June. He calls me and every once in awhile we have phone sex. I admit I was a little scared and embarrassed to be having phone sex. I had never had it, didn't know what to expect. I mean how freaky do you have to be to have phone sex? How do you sound when you moan or call out your lovers name over the phone? My man was telling me in letters how much he wanted to have phone sex so he could help me come and listen at the same time. I can tell you that he writes me and tells me how amazing I sound calling out his name. I know how sexy and what a turn on his voice and words are to me. Now those of you who have your men at home may not understand the need for phone sex. If your man is away for any reason, long term you should learn the benefits of intimacy by MCI. I don't know about other people but just hearing my man say my name is enough to give me shivers. When he starts telling me what he wants to do to me when he gets home that just makes me weak. There is an old fashioned courtship quality to our relationship at all other times, no touching, letters declaring undying love and sweet phone calls just to say he wanted to hear my voice. He always knows when I need him to call. Whether I need to share some happiness or something sad he is always there. Occasionally there are days when I need some sort of sex. Now since he isn't home and I am not into cheating. I just tell him to "talk" to me. I swear his voice alone is enough to make it a reality. He always says the right things at the right time. Where he would tickle, where he would touch and how he would kiss my neck. where he would lick. Well you get the idea. I won't go into more detail. Just suffice it to say that between Ravens voice and what he is saying to me, I have enjoyed more mind blowing orgasms then ever. The closeness I feel with Raven after we are done is enough to carry me through the rest of our time. I have already made him promise to continue with phone sex when he is home and we are able to have physical sex. I won't call it the real thing since phone sex is as real as it gets. I love this man and he loves me, MCI is the tie that binds for now. When he is home I am sure we will recreate many of the phone sex scenarios. But until then, I have to go answer the phone, it's Super Sex Sunday.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Raven in the hole!

When they put Raven in segregation. We were told that we were not allowed to communicate in any way. They lied. When you separate to people in love they will figure a way around, over or through any obstacles put in their way. When they wouldn't let mail go through I wrote in another name and address. He answered to a P.O. Box. We would be able to get mail for a couple of weeks before they would catch on and stop our mail. We would wait a little bit of time and start again with a hole new name and address. Lovers will find a way to be together in any way shape or form. In the meantime they were making Ravens stay in the hole as hard as possible. When the packed up his belongings they "lost" or destroyed most of his belongings. His address book was destroyed. His boots, which he wears for medical reasons where "lost". Any cassette tapes he had where thrown away. Raven has been incarcerated for 10 years and in that time he had collected property that allowed him to survive and enjoy occasional minutes, either reading or listening to music. In segregation you are locked up in a 8x9 cell with one other person for 23 hours a day. You are allowed out into outside cells for 1 hour for recreation. In all that time Raven wrote me. Wrote me the most beautiful love letters. Telling me his dreams for our life together. We will be together when he makes parole. Raven was supposed to be up for parole in August of 2004. After they put him in the hole they refused to allow him to come up for parole. Because of being in love with me, he will now be up for parole in April 2005. We both believe that he will not get it this time. Most convicts up for parole the first time do not get it, in Ohio. We pray to the Great Spirit will look over my heart, and give him the lowest flop. A flop is an extended time that they will keep them in prison. We think anything under 3 years will be acceptable. We pray that he gets less. They could give him time served which would let him out in June 2005. I am not getting my hopes up, but that would be the best case scenario. What amazes me about my future husband is that because of our relationship he was left in the hole for 3 months, had his security raised and was sent to one of the worse prisons in the state of Ohio. If he gets flopped, it will be because of the ticket he received when he admitted to loving me.
They finally transferred him to the new institution. When he arrived there, the first thing he did was call me. My heart just about stopped. Now we would at least be allowed to write and speak on the phone. Let me tell you my phone bill was horrendous that first month. I didn't care it was heaven to hear his voice. I had missed his laugh. Even though we where still far apart, it was good to be home with him. Now we just have to conquer visits.


Originally uploaded by ravenslove.
I have a dog. Her name is Lupina, she is a Gos D'Atura (spanish for herding dog).. Anyways no matter what kind of day I am having. She is always ready for a pat on the head and a game. That got me to thinking. Dogs can make your day's the happiest or the worst. Yesterday I came home from work and found out that I had left a open can of pop on the end table. I realize that was not smart on my part. Any way sometime while at work a certain four footed very shaggy resident of my home decided she wanted some pop. So she picked it up (a trick I taught her so she could get me a pop from the fridge)
carried it all through the house. Must have put it down and tried to lick the pop. Which of course left the pop running from the can all over the floor, being chased by Lupina. Now the only saving grace is that it was a clear pop. So I just steamed everything up and laughed. Considering the day I had yesterday I was just grateful that the day ended with that as the last screw up. Although the laughter it gave D. and I was almost worth having to steam the rug. (Almost)
Yet the great thing about dogs are that the next day she was already to sit and look at me with adoring eyes. They are the epitome of unconditional love.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Angry, Pissed, Furious

So this morning I woke up and I am Pissed. Angry enough to hurt someone. Now since I live alone that won't be an issue. The strange thing is I have no idea why I am so mad. The reasons I have to be mad are the same ones that I had yesterday and will be the same tomorrow. So why now? Why today, just upon waking? Maybe because money is an issue. Maybe because the man I can't wait to start my life with is incarcerated. Ok some times that even sounds to nice. He is locked up.
Maybe because the ex husband who is supposed to be paying the money he owes me for putting up with him for 21 years, isn't. Yet, he has enough money to buy extravagant things for himself. The thing is those have been happening for months now. So why today?
I have no idea. I am not sure I can even figure it out. All I know is I can't get through this anger. Today it just feels like it's hopeless. I work, try to make enough money to survive and it just doesn't seem to work. I am sinking, going under a little with each and every bill that comes in--And it's pissing me off.

Ok maybe it's hormones, never mind.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Lunch with Matt

I have a brother, actually I have two. One John is another story for a different time. Matt, he is my little brother. That sounds funny since he is more mature and responsible then either John or I. Any way we went to lunch today. I love spending time with my brother. He is funny, charming and very witty. We have wonderful conversations. He keeps me on my toes. Makes me think and plan. Today was the Raven conversation. My brother and his wife are awesome. They may not always agree with my choices in life but they will fight for my ability to choose. They can't quite understand what I see in Raven. A man who is seven years younger then me and incarcerated. What can he provide for you. What if when he gets out he is not a good man. Could he be lying to me. many questions. All good ones. All legitimate questions. They love me and they want me to be safe. The new concern is that when Raven gets out will he hurt my brother's wife. I admit that when I heard that I wanted to get mad. But, We have all heard about inmates who come out and commit another crime. It makes headline news. We never hear about the inmate who came out started his/her life over and never committed another crime.
What I say is I believe when Raven gets out he will be good to me. Yes, he has promised me time and time again. He loves me, Wants me to be protected and cared for. I love him, I want to help him be a law abiding citizen. I want to show him the love that he didn't get from friends and family when he was young. I tell Matt, He is honest, caring and loving. I know we will be fine. I finally quote a line from a book, The Prisoners Wife, by Ashe Bandel, In it she asks a friend "could you turn your back on the greatest love you have ever known, just because you found it in the worse place, you've ever been." My answer is No. I can't turn my back on Raven. He makes me laugh, believes in my ability to get things done. Writes me love letters, draws me beautiful pictures, and talks me through bad days. What he gives me is happiness, support and love. That would be my answer to Matt.

Wanting something so bad it hurts.

Have you ever wanted something or someone so bad its hurts. I mean actually physical pain. The ache so bad you sometimes can't breath. Thats what I feel tonight. I miss Raven so much it's painful. I get letters, sometimes. I get phone calls so I can hear his voice. So maybe that should be enough, except it's not. I haven't seen the face of the man I love since June. Nine months, long enough to have a baby. I am scared. Scared that one night when I go to bed and try to picture his face, his smile, I won't be able to. I only have one picture of him, no smile, trying to look like a bad ass. Thats what they do in prison pictures. They can't be happy or smile. That's not the image they have to portray. They can't be seen as weak. That would leave them open to problems. Anyway thats the way I picture him. I used to be able to see him smile, watch him brush his teeth. picture him looking at me the way that a man looks at the woman he loves. Only now all I am able to picture is that bad ass smile in the prison picture. Raven is so much more then just that picture. I am afraid I will lose the ability to see him and know his heart. I need his smile, to look into his beautiful dark eyes. To feel his arms around me and his lips brush mine. I am skin starved and the only food I need is Raven.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

How Raven and I met. The Story Continues.

So when we last left our hero and heroine, she had just woken him up to send him to work. Ok so maybe not hero or heroine, just two people who found themselves in a difficult situation. After I woke Raven up, I pulled the gate shut to finish count. For those of you who don't know Corrections officers count all inmates at least 6 times a day, sometimes more. There are big gates that are locked shut to keep the two sides of the dorms apart during count. So when count was cleared I went to the D side to open up the gate. There he stood. We barely said two words. I was thinking all kinds of things, what had he done to get here? Was he married? A million and one questions flashed in my mind. Yet in that instance I knew, looking into those beautiful dark eyes, I knew. He wasn't married. He was already mine. Now that is what my soul told me. Let me tell you what my head told me. Girl what are you thinking. He is an inmate. You are a Corrections officer. Not only is it against the rules, but it's against the law. Depending on how far you take it. We did our best to ignore each other for the next month. He worked in the kitchen, who am I kidding. He ran the kitchen, inmates and free staff alike listened to what he told them to do in the kitchen. He can cook. He cooked for the other inmates and he cooked for the Officers Dinning Hall. Since he was always allowed to have sharp objects to cook with he pretty much had a c/o assigned to him. Someone to watch and make sure the sharps where always accounted for. The prison was always forcing officers to work over time. If you denied overtime you where issued a warning, two warnings and you where fired. So I worked overtime, allot. I would get off shift at the dorm at 6:00 am. The Captain would call and say your held over report to the kitchen. You see both Raven and I believe in the Great Spirit. We both think we where together before this life and will be together after this life. Now if anyone needs proof, we where still trying to avoid each other when I was assigned to the kitchen on day shift for overtime. I was the cook babysitter. Thats what we called the officer who's job it was to watch Raven. No chance of avoidance here.
Now Raven is Apache, so he goes on vision quests. These are days with fasting and prayers where he asks the Great Spirit to show him what direction his life should be taking. He went on a vision quest not to long after I came to work in the kitchen. I was averaging 4 days of overtime in the kitchen. On his second day he walked up to me and said "woman get out of my head." Now considering we haven't said to much to each other. This statement spoke volumes. He was thinking of me as much as I was thinking of him. I dreamed of him at night, every night. So when he said that all I could think was "yea and you need to get out of my dreams" We still did our best to keep away. Except now I would notice him watching me. I would try to watch him also. We where sinking.
I am married. Have been for 21 years but that's another story. I had been separated for 3 months when I met Raven. I didn't want to get involved with anyone much less an inmate. My husband (soon to be ex) felt something change. He had an uncanny sense that I was interested in someone else. He came over to my apartment to ask me to come home. I said no. He even said he would get rid of his girlfriend. I said no. He became enraged. We argued, he slapped me and grabbed my arms just above my elbows and shook me like a child. The next day I was standing in the kitchen of the prison, thinking. A hundred miles away; not good when your on duty. Raven brought me some food and said I needed to eat. I said I wasn't hungry to go back to work. I wasn't sounding very nice when I said it. He put the food down and wanted to know if he could ask me a question. I said sure, why not. He had seen my grandson and my husband at the appreciation dinner, how could I work so many hours, didn't my husband want me at home? I told him it wasn't any of his business. He had to push. You have a nice family why don't you stay home? I told him things aren't always what they seem. This time I was pissed I told him in my best c/o voice Go to work--and I pointed. My bruises where visible below my uniform sleeve. The look on his face broke my heart. He took my arm, ran his thumb over the bruises on one arm, while reaching for the other arm. With both arms in his hands, he looked at me and said "come August, I am going to break your husbands heart" I never expected that. A threat maybe, but not what I thought it would be. That was the first time Raven touched me. The first but not the last time that he proved he was not like other inmates, or even like other men. We started talking then. When we first said we loved each other is not all that important, what is important is our souls recognized each other and no matter how we fought against what they wanted, we lost.
Yet we won. We talked more in those short months then I have spoken with anyone in my life. He is smart, funny, fierce protective, loving and sexy. He makes me laugh. We started writing to one another. The letters where heaven. I read them over and over again.
Things changed, I hated my job, hated the way c/o's treated inmates. yes they broke the law, yes they had to pay. But did they have to be treated like animals. Yes, according to my fellow c/o they did. Not only that but just because they cared about the prisoners, so did the family members. I hated it. I treated the guys with respect. Made them obey the rules but still treated them like humans. That was my downfall. You see when your female and you treat the inmates with anything but disdain, you become a target. A target to be shot at by c/o's and by other inmates who want something from you.
There was fighting on the street, I put two inmates in the hole (segregation). They told the investigator that Raven seemed too preoccupied with me. Too happy. They started watching us. They intercepted some letters from us. I was called into the office. I didn't even respond to the accusations, I just resigned. Already had it in my pocket. My only regret is that I wasn't able to say goodbye to Raven. They walked me out that night.
They went and got Raven, five corrections officers and the Lt. he knew something bad had happened. Raven doesn't know how to dodge questions. He tells the truth, every-time, all the time. They asked him if we where involved. He said yes, he loved me. We where going to be together when he made parole in August of 2004. They threw him in the hole, left him there for 3 months, told him I turned him in. He knew better. I love him and he loves me.

Baby Mama Drama

So as if my Valentines day wasn't weird enough. My love calls me to tell me that his baby's mama has written to him. And this is supposed to make my day how? Anyway she included articles about his son which is nice, a letter about the other kids, not all his, and the infamous sentence "So I just wanted to let you know that Ernie and I are divorced." Ok now what?
insecure, yes I am insecure. Actually I seem to revel in my insecurities. I think it has to do with being brought up Catholic.
So What I would like to know is why do women after more then 10 years of avoiding the baby's father suddenly show up when a divorce is in the works. I am fine with Raven wanting to know and be in contact with his son. I can even deal with bobbie joe billy sue teena marie or what ever ridiculous name she goes by. (oops a little hostile) As long as she doesn't all of a sudden try and use Joey as a weapon to destroy mine and Raven's relationship. Now Raven says there's no chance of her being an issue. Has said it for two days now. Told me all the right things, with all the right words, So as for Baby Mama Drama, I think I'll just sit this one out. Have a Great Day!


Originally uploaded by ravenslove.
I have a best friend, she is there through everything, The weird Valentine's day, The baby mama drama, insecurities and anger. I can count on her anytime of the day or night (as long as she has had her coffee). In fact this whole blog should be dedicated to her as she pointed me in the right direction. I didn't even know what a blog was before that.
We have traveled to Hawaii, cried together, and roared together (for those of you that don't know what that is, it is when you laugh so loud people near you want to move) Been through divorces, and joblessness. So why am I writing this. Because yesterday she sent me the best card I have ever read. See she's not about mushy, she's about smart, talented and straight forward sound advice. So back to the card. I think it says it all....

Oh and D your the best, Thanks for inspiring this blog.

Monday, February 14, 2005

A different sort of Valentine's day

So today is supposed to be a day for lovers. Not today for me. Today I went to the lawyers. You see, after 21 years with the same man I am getting a divorce. There I said it. Today, Valentines day 2005, I signed the papers starting the process to end my union with a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I was 19 when I met Jerry. He was everything I thought I wanted. Older, settled working in a field that I was training for. He had a good sense of humor and a bad boy reputation. We met in a police car, I was riding, as part of my training with a friend of mine. He was driving his cruiser on shift. We did what police officers have been doing for years. Called to see if he wanted to grab a coffee. We told him "we'll buy if you fly" So off he went to pick up the coffee. When he came back we pulled the cruisers side by side. Drivers doors barely inches apart. Both windows down. Steve introduced me to Jerry. The man, who I didn't know at the time, I would spend the next 21 years of my life with. We spoke and where civil. I had already heard many things about this man. I was friends with a girlfriend of his. She told me all about him. How nice he was, How funny he was, that he was married. How he wouldn't make any commitment to her. We finished our coffee and went our separate ways. Steve looked over and said, "Thats the infamous Jerry R., what do you think?". "Not much" I said. I should have stuck with my first impressions. Should have told my self. Self, you know he is not much. Maybe you should just stay away from him. He called the next day. I asked what he wanted. He wanted to be friends. I told him sorry I was busy. He pursued for months. I finally caved and we went to play video games. We hung around for awhile. I think it was sheer persistence on his part that finally wore away my defenses. In the meantime, he had moved out of his wife's trailer in to a trailer of his own. That I helped him find. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I was trailer trash.
Fast forward 6 months. I moved in with Jerry to the trailer, I had found. It was a hard transition. We fought often. The only thing that kept us together was that everyone expected us to fail. It was us against the world. Jerry was getting angrier by the minute. We had an argument, he threw the top of a glass candy dish at me. Direct hit, I hadn't learned to dodge yet.
The top split my lip open and bled everywhere. I was crying and bleeding. He got me a towel and held me. He cried and swore it would never happen again. I should have run, not walked out of that trailer. Never looked back. I didn't and that was the start.
There where different incidents over the years--a slap here, a push there. Black eyes and more busted lips. Lots of bruises. More then anything there where words. Fucking bitch, Lazy fat ass to name a few. I am here to tell you a lot of time words hurt more then the strikes. He was always sorry afterwards. He would break things, things that where important to me. There was the time I was laying in bed and he broke a plastic tube with water and floating fish over the footboard of the bed. I still have that bed. I lay in it and look at the scratches and wonder. Why did I stay so long? He broke chairs over tables, Glass to a 35 gallon aquarium. You name it he broke it. Some times in my direction other times just for the effect of it all. And still the words where the worst. Words can lift up. They can give happiness and let someone know they are loved.
They can also destroy. Destroy what little self confidence a person has. If the man that promised to love and honor you till death do us part, says you ain't shit. Over and over, again and again after 21 years you start believing him. Yet I still stayed.
I didn't want to be a failure. Didn't want to hear all those people who years ago said You won't stay married.
Then he retired. Almost three years ago, or maybe a little longer. The time sometimes runs into one long life. About a year before he retired a girl named Irene entered the picture. She needed saving, thats what police men do they save you.
She was mental and suicidal. He said she needed friends. We should be those friends, is what I was told. I said she wanted to be more then friends, but he wouldn't listen. 2 1/2 years later, two marriage counselors, and trying 100 percent, at least on my part. We are here today. The counselor said, Girl friend or marriage, make a choice. His choice was to not choose.
So I left in March of 2004, after 21 years I moved out to start a new life.
I have since moved across state, started a new job, and found a new love. The funny part of this story is that on Valentines day I signed my divorce papers and I don't feel sad. 21 years I will call that one hell of a learning experience. It's not a failure. A smart friend of mine once told me, we are all here to play our parts, for the time needed to play them, sometimes you just have to finish playing that part and move on to the next one. Thats what I am doing, I am moving on to the next part in my life. Do I know what it is at this time? No. Do I think it will be interesting? Yes. In the meantime I am luckier and happier then I was a year ago today. I have a man who makes me very happy. A best friend who is like a, No not like a , is a sister to me. That makes me richer today by far then this time last year. So that is where my Valentine's 2005 stands. Not bad, not great, just peaceful. Happy Valentines day! I hope your spending it with the one you love.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

How Raven and I met.

How Raven and I met. A story of lust, confusion and love. I was a Corrections officer. Just getting out of the academy, when all employees where invited to a employee appreciation dinner. I really didn't want to go. I was in the middle of a divorce from my husband of 15 years. I missed my grandson, Joey. Since we where told it was pretty much mandatory to attend the dinner I decided to invite Joey to come to the dinner. My soon to be ex came with Joey to the dinner. Joey's was 5 at the time. He had a blast at the prison. Making friends with everyone. The prison even had the cell dogs there for the kids to play with. But wait I digress. We found a place to sit and when our table was called we went into the room where they where serving the food. There behind the main table was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. Now I am not one to be struck silent by anything. Yet all I could do was look at this man. He was so sexy. He was looking at me about the way I figured I was looking at him. All I could think was, man I need to throw a party and hire this caterer. We talked and I was polite and smiled. I didn't notice the looks we where getting. Joey and I went back to our seats to eat dinner. When we wanted desert, I took Joey back in for some cake, but there wasn't any left. Joey was starting to cry when Raven brought him a piece of cake from behind the table. I didn't know at the time he was saving it to bring back to the dorm.
Fast forward to the next afternoon, I am in uniform and reporting for shift. We are called in to the captains office there are things missing from the dinner last night the whole camp has to be shaken down. We are on lock down, no inmate movement. The first thing I had to do was go into the other room and search the cooks and workers from last night's dinner. I go into the other room and look into the same sexy brown eyes that silenced me last night. Oh crap, from the look on his face he is thinking the same thing. You see I wasn't in uniform last night I was dressed up. Now the truth about the situation hits both of us in the face. Neither one of us is happy about it. I search him and the other cooks, we find nothing. After searching the entire camp and 1600 inmates they find the missing items in the dumpster behind the kitchen. Thrown there by free staff that didn't know better.
I received my assignment two days later. My job? Dorm officer, it would be my job to monitor 230 guys who live in the dorm. We call the dorms houses. My house was Ontario C & D. I was the third shift dorm officer. It was me and one other officer who would make sure all was quite on the 10 pm to 6 am shift. I still hadn't learned Raven's name or where he was in the camp yet. Frankly I was not looking for him either. I wanted to keep my job and stay out of trouble. Our house was the Kitchen dorm. All inmates that come to the camp have to do a stint in the kitchen. Most of them slept in my house. One job of the dorm officer was to wake up the kitchen workers at 3 am. I was waking up the workers my first night there, following a list that had their names and numbers as well as bunk numbers. I went from one street to the next on C side. Then moved over to D side started down first street to wake up the guy in D20. When you wake up inmates you don't touch them, you are likely to be hurt doing that.
You either tap the metal frame on their bunk or you shake the mattress they are sleeping on. I reached down, shook D20's mattress. He woke up looked at me. I looked at him. We both knew we where in trouble from then on. Raven lived in my house. It would be very hard for me to avoid him, and impossible for him to avoid me. That was the meeting, Lust at first sight. Not just Lust the knowledge that we had been together in the past and would be together in the future. The Great Spirit has an interesting view on how life should go.

mugzy goin for a ride

mugzy goin for a ride
Originally uploaded by ravenslove.
This is mugzy, when I bought my house she came in the package deal. When I met her she had 12 years of matted hair. burrs and assorted nasty stuff in her hair. Yet underneath it all she appeared to be a sweet dog. I started feeding her. Everyday, something she was not used to. She started following me every where. Something I wasn't used to. I eventually brought her into the house. She was perfectly happy laying on the floor next to me. She never had an accident in the house.
She would just sit and watch me. I took her to be groomed. I swear she went from being two feet wide to this skinny little white dog with a feathery tail. When I took her home my family shooed her away because they didn't recognize her.
Mugsy was attacked by the neighbors German Shepard while we where away. The vet didn't think she would make it. When we where picked up at the airport we went right to the emergency vets office. they said she hadn't moved since she was brought in. When I walked in the room, she raised her head looked right at me an wagged her tail. All the while whining. We took her home that night. I slept on the floor with her in our living room. She and I cried all night long. The next morning she made the worst sound I have ever heard. I finally realized that she had to go out side and didn't want to do it in the house. So I picked her up, carried her outside and held her while she went. what a good dog. She eventually made a full recovery. She was one of the best dogs I have ever known. Every once in a while she would come over to you. Set her head on your lap. I would ask her " Whats a matter girl, do you need a little love?" She would put her front paws around your shoulder. I swear she would give you a hug.
We went to Washington, to the Rolling Thunder. We left the dogs, Mugzy included with our kids. We where on the motorcycles. When we pulled into Washington there was a message on my cell phone. Mugzy was hit by a car and we don't know what to do. I called back as soon as I heard the message. When my daughter in law answered the phone I told her you rush her to the vet. She said they did and that Mugzy didn't make it. I cried, no cried isn't the right word, I wailed and mourned her. She had such a hard life, 11 years of scavenging for food and love. She deserved more then two years of being loved and cared for. I wanted to have her longer.
The dog catcher had other ideas. You see Mugzy had never been on a chain or in a fenced in area. We had a fence for the dogs. Houdini dog could get out no matter how we tried to keep her in. She never left our yard. The dog catcher saw her running in our yard one day and stopped to say something about it. I told him that she never left the yard. He said sure in that snide way people in authority do. Anyway, when we where gone he came onto our property. Mugzy was sleeping in the yard in a patch of sun. He tried to grab her. She was scared, she never let anybody pick her up but me. She ran, he chased her right out into the busy road in front of our house. The kids ran out to stop him. He tried to grab her again.
She ran from him, right in front of a pickup coming up the hill. I don't blame the driver. He couldn't help it. I blame the dog catcher. Why he had to chase her, we will never know. All I know is she is gone, waiting for me at Rainbow Bridge, with Winston, Harriett, Crunch and Duchess. Yes I am a dog lover but those are stories for next time.

My Special Day

Today Is my special day. 40 years ago today my parents brought me home from the baby store. Also known as the adoption center. Thats right I am adopted. My parents picked me. I have been told that since I can remember. My parents have always made me feel special. When I was little kids at school knew I was adopted. They used to ask me what does it feel like to be adopted. I used to say what does it feel like not to be adopted. You see I've always known. My parents read books to us as children explaining adoption and what it meant. To me it meant that my parents asked for me, waited three years, passed a number of home inspections as well as interviews, all in an attempt to bring home a baby girl.
The day came when they got the phone call Mr. & Mrs. A February 10 (my uncle's birthday) there's a little girl who needs a home. When do you want to come see her. They said as soon as possible. My mom said that it was love at first sight. My dad knew in his heart that I was his little girl. They wanted to take me home that same day. Red tape made them wait. They left me there and went home to prepare my room. It would be three weeks before they could see me again. The baby name argument was on. Mom wanted Deadre Ann, so she could call me DD. Dad hated it. Yet he couldn't think of anything else. (typical guy). So the day finally came. They where on their way to pick me up. February 13, 1964 which ironically was my grandmothers birthday. My parents where in the car argueing about my name when a song came on the radio, Maria from West side story. Dad turned the music up and said thats it we are naming our daughter Maria. Now when you ask my mom about this story she says the song is from Sound of music, How do you solve a problem like Maria. But we all know the true story now don't we.
When they picked me up. Mom said I was sick. There was no way my mom was saying keep her till she is better. They took me home cleaned me up and called the clinic. Mom said "would you look at my new baby she is sick" The Dr. said bring her in. On the way to the clinic we passed friends who where on the to my new home to see me. The Dr. looked at me gave me medicine and sent me home.
The party was on. In Italian families you celebrate. You celebrate, birth, life, breathing. Everything is a celebration. What a great family I was adopted into. I have an older brother and a younger brother, a mom and dad. Alot of Aunts and Uncles, and what seems like hundreds of cousins. What more could a girl want. Oh yea a dog. Even got one of those. Duchess.