procrastination

I wish I wasn't but I am "The Queen of Procrastination" I make the best promises to my self to get things done in the fastest time I can. Except that I always put off till tomorrow what I should be doing today. With all the good intentions in the world I start the day with a list. At the end of the day I have added to the list yet nothing on it has been completed. My Fiancee laughs at me and says when he gets home he will help me brake the procrastination habit. I laughed and told him I would listen to him tomorrow. Now for those of you who think I did a good job on this blog, I will admit I thought of doing it yesterday and only just got around to it today. Long live Queen Ravenslove.

We are everywhere!

Today I met my new neighbor. Her dog and my dog decided to run and play even though zoey was still on a leash tied to H.
Once I put Lupina in a down stay, H and I started talking. I invited her up to the apartment for a short visit. She had a pop and stayed for about 45 minutes. Toward the end of the conversation I casually mentioned that my husband would be calling after 12 pm. She asked where he was and what does he do? I said he had a secure position with the State of Ohio. She looked puzzled so I laughed and said he was incarcerated at RCI. She laughed and said your kidding right. When I said no I wasn't kidding, she put out her hand and shook mine again as she had when we first met. She then told me her fiancee was incarcerated at Grafton Correctional. We talked for another 20 minutes. She said she had not told anyone that her man was in prison. I told her that every one knew where my heart was. She asked if anyone ever treated me different. I said I didn't think so. But that we where everywhere. There is a young lady I work with she has 10 people in her family that are incarcerated. Including 5 brothers, most serving over 20 years. One on Death row and one with LWOP. (life with out parole)
Another guy I work with has two cousins and an uncle in different prisons. That is only two of the 300 people who work at my company. How many others have not admitted to having an incarcerated family member. Considering there are 32 institutions, in the state of Ohio, with a designed capacity of 35,429 beds and a total population of 43,567 the prisons are at 122.97% of capacity. Now if you figure that each inmate has an average of 3 immediate family members, most of whom, have never been in trouble and are gainfully employed in the real world. That leaves 130,701 people out in the neighborhood. We could be your Dr. your bank rep, even your tele-marketer. We work at grocery stores, auto parts shops. We are your police officers and your Corrections officers. No line of work or social level is untouched by prisons. Most of us either know someone who is in, know someone who's family is in or has family in themselves. With that many people involved, why would we continue to let our prisoners be mistreated. All of America was in an uproar when the prisoners in Abu Ghraib Prison in Iraqi where tortured. Yet there are more stories of abuse and mistreatment right here at home in United States Prisons, yet no one wants to stand up and demand that it stop. As I have said in another post, most of these people will get out. We need to educate them. Teach them a skill. Show them that to get respect you need to give it. Ok back to the title. We as family, friends of those 43,567 Ohio prisoners need to learn to stand together. We have to watch and fight against injustices done to our loved ones. After all WE ARE EVERYWHERE!

How fucked up is this?

doublecellSolano
Originally uploaded by ravenslove.

So D sent me a picture of a double cell at Solano prison in California. That would be where her man is. At the time I looked at it I said it made the cells at Ross Correctional in Ohio look like the Marriott.
The only problem was I was going on the premise that Ross cells where similar to the ad seg cells at LaECI. I spoke with Raven this morning and found out that the cells at Ross are the same size as the ones in Solano. I was feeling pretty sorry for my friend C as well as Raven. No man or woman should be stuffed into a cell this size. As my man would say especially not a wild Indian. They are sometimes on lock down for days. Can you imagine being locked into an area the size of a small bathroom with another person for hours at a time. Doing the things we do everyday in private. No wonder there is violence in prison. The overcrowding is cruel and unusual punishment.
D told me that the prison was originally built for 2,000 they have over 6,000 inmates at this time.
Now I realize anyone reading this post may or may not give a shit about inmates, but you should give a shit about the fact that most of these men are going to get out. They may be moving to your neighborhood. I do believe that if you do the crime you need to do the time. What I don't believe is that you have to over work correction officers so that their attitudes suck so bad that they treat inmates like animals. I also don't believe that you need to treat inmates like animals. Their punishment is that they are incarcerated away from their family and friends. They must follow rules that would drive most of us crazy. To be treated like animals does nothing except fill them with hate and anger. I don't think they need coddling. They need education and life skills. Not warehousing. Eventually most will get out. Do you want them angry, filled with hate or with a job skill and life skills. When they move into your neighborhood.

Just a quiet Saturday at Home.

Today I had to take a day off with pay or I would have lost my floating paid holiday. Ok so twist my arm. I slept in, talked with Raven. I do love that man. After our conversation I started to clean the apartment. I have a new roommate so now I have someone else to clean up after. She is very nice with a big heart so I let things slide. I am sure there could be worse roommates. So I am grateful that she found me on the web.
I cleaned, walked Lupina and spoke with my man again. Exciting days are fun but sometimes you just need a day like today to recuperate and relax. Doing nothing unusual no drama just relaxing. I even took a nap. Sometimes nothing is just perfect.

"Billy Bad Ass"

Billy Bad Ass
Originally uploaded by ravenslove.

I figured if you had heard all about Raven that you may want to see what he looks like. This is my man. Looking all big and bad. Now I think he is a beautiful, sexy, awesome Apache. He says I am not allowed to say beautiful, but I can't help it. To me he is perfect. I can imagine being in his arms, being held up against his chest and breathing in his scent. Dam I love that man.
He asked me to post this picture. See Honey I do listen to you sometimes.

Ok maybe I am going to have to be the man.

My phone bill was $445.00 this month. Thank you correctional MCI billing. When my baby calls me I have to pay for the call. As much as Raven and I miss each other and love each other, we talk a lot. When he was first able to call me he told me that he was going to have to put his foot down and "be the man" because he didn't want my phone bill to be outrageous. That was then and this is now. I told him just this week that we are going to have to cut back on our phone calls (except super phone sex Sunday). In the past I have told him that we need to stay under $100 dollars a month. I let him set the schedule and make the calls. Like I have any control over when he makes the calls. Ok that lasted for approximately 2 days. You see while I freely admit that I am addicted to my man and his sexy voice.
He has always said that our calls are all for my benefit. He is all about how much I need him and his calls. Ok don't tell him this is our little secret but he is right. Now I try not to let him know that he is right to often. I don't want to have to turn in my female card. Anyways Sunday we decided that he would only call Wednesday night and on the weekend, Saturday and Sunday. That would lower the bill a lot. So Monday comes along and he calls. He didn't want me to miss him first thing in the week. He says I will talk with you Wednesday. I say ok Babyboy.
The phone rings Tuesday morning and the first thing he says is "Ok so I am weak,"
I laugh and say I love you Shika. We have a talk and he hangs up after the MCI dude says our time is up. I laughed all the way down the stairs. You see that is the first time he has admitted to me that these calls mean as much to him as they do to me. YIPEE. That is the good news the bad news is my bill is not going to be much less if we keep this up. It's just there is no way I could hear the Raven phone ring and not pick it up. No way I could not except the charge for talking to my man. I think I will be paying off my phone bills when he comes out on parole.
Hope they take payments. In the mean time maybe I will have to put my foot down and be the man. Ok Honey, Just kidding.

parole pressure

I took Saturday off so that a friend and I could work on Raven's parole packet for April. My baby comes up for parole in April, yes, I realize, I just said that twice. That would be, because it scares the hell out of me. D. said it best when I asked her to help me with a letter that Raven had written. It needed to be polished. It was good but, it needed to be great. Now D who is always right on the ball when it comes to anything she puts her mind too; froze. Big time. When I asked her why? She said it was hard when her best friends total mental well being, whether her best friends, man the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with gets out or doesn't could be based on one letter written by her. She froze. I laughed at the time because I thought I understood where she was coming from. Until this week when I started putting all the items in his parole packet.
BAM! Now everything I do could have an impact on the most important person in my life. All of a sudden I can't figure out how to put two words together. Now I have to explain my relationship with Raven to people who already think it's bad. Corrections officer- convict sounds like a bad joke in the making. Except it's not. It's my life, mine and my future husband.
So I try to tell them how he is now a responsible, hard working man. Who only wants a chance to prove that he has changed. That he wants to support his family and start his adult life. Raven has been down 10 years already, down since he was 24 years old. When he went in he was angry. Drinking and drugging. He was an enforcer for a motorcycle club. Definitely not a man you want to take home to your mother. He hasn't been in any trouble since he has been in. Until he met me. Now a relationship between inmate and C/O is against the institutional rules. We only wrote to each other, but, that alone was enough to get him thrown in the hole for 4 months. Enough to get them to refuse to bring him up before the board in August 2004 when he was supposed to come up the first time. Enough to get him raised in security and moved to a new prison they thought was 4 1/2 hours away from me. Now we have to worry if it's enough to get him flopped.
So I am writing letters to the board to let them know that I want him home with me. That he has family and friends who love him and will help to support him in his quest to be an honest individual. Some one who will never return to prison and always be with his wife and any children we may have. So the pressure is on. What if they don't believe me. What if I say something wrong. What if I screw it up and they don't let him come home. He is already likely to get flopped for establishing a relationship with a correctional officer. I sometimes feel bad for what he is going through because of me. Then I think, if he wasn't in this predicament. We wouldn't have each other. That is unacceptable. We were born to be together. In fact Raven and I believe that we have been with each other in many past lifetimes. We will make it through no matter what happens in April at the parole board. If he gets flopped, as he believes he will be, anything under 3 years will make him happy. I will be with him all the way, I would be with him no matter when he gets out. I am praying to the Great Spirit that he gets less. Lets face it I am praying with all my being that they give him time served. If they give him that he would be home in June.
So back to the parole packet, letters of support from family and friends. Job offers. Plans for his life and ours. They want to know where he will live, where he will work. Will he have insurance, life, car, health, hospitalization and how he will use the bathroom daily. You name it they want it in writing. So Saturday and Sunday I have been scrambling to get all of his family to send the letters to me. My family is sending theirs also. I have his birth certificate and am working on getting his social security card. Doing write ups on the city that he will live in and where we will vacation or play. Pictures of Raven, Me and Lupina our dog. My friend DD said that when she was done it will be very impressive and hopefully the board would look and pay attention to our information. They say that 65% of the parole boards turn down inmates for parole. Most boards have their mind made up before they even read the information or meet the inmate. We need to grab their attention and make them aware that Raven is a person, not just a number. That he has a family to come home to. This is the most important presentation I have ever helped prepare. Ok I won't laugh at D anymore. I am feeling the pressure my self.

no substitute will do.

Today I miss Raven. Now I know I say that often, but I have been having some interactions with a very nice guy we will call J.
J. has been very interested in me since I moved to my apartment in Oct of 2004. He is the supervisor of maintenance for the apartment complex. I thought I have been pretty obvious about my love for Raven. Have even taken phone calls when J is around fixing things in the apartment. I have Raven's pictures up on the refrigerator and also all over in my bedroom. Now I know some of you are wondering what is J doing in my bedroom. Well I had a problem in the bathroom that is off my bedroom and J had to come and fix it. Anyway there is no shortage of Raven pictures in my house.
Back to my first statement. Some times I miss Raven so bad I can barely breathe, just when I think it may get easier to be in love with a convict. BANG, the feeling hits you like a brick between the eyes. Today it was a whole house not just a brick. My baby sent me pictures. Pictures of him taken in the institution. Now in case anyone forgot I have not seen my man for almost a year. Poor guy, he thought I would be very happy with the pictures. Instead I cried; in fact I cried most of the day. Yes I am happy with the pictures. I love him so much. It is wonderful having new pictures to look at. Except, today they made me want to touch him with so much need that I hurt. Sometimes it feels like we will never be in each others arms again. That is the way I feel today. Scared that we won't be able to see each other till he is out. However long that may be.
Ok hop forward to J again. About a week ago he showed up at my apartment with Corona and Sushi my two favorite foods. We ate sushi and had a couple beers and he went home nothing happened. So today while I am feeling totally, touch deprived. J hugs me and tries to kiss me. Now I dodge the kiss and ask him WTF. He knows I am with my man and knows we are just friends. He apologizes and says it will never happen again. BUT, just for one moment I wanted him to hold me, to kiss me. I wanted to be touched. Touched for the first time in almost a year. Since the last time Raven put his arms around me and kissed me. I can't even remember how long it's been since more then that has happened. I realized after I got home that no one except Raven can fill that void I feel. Letting my self be hugged or kissed by another man, won't fill the gap in my heart. So now I just try to shake a guilty feeling I have. Guilty for wanting it even for a moment from a man that isn't my soul mate. I was trying to figure out how you could want to hold someone other than the man you love with all your being. Then D the touchstone in all my wild and crazy life tells me that it is just a human reaction to being bereft of the man you love for so long. I believe her. Besides the void in my heart? It's Apache shaped with black hair and sexy brown eyes, that only one man can fill. It took a near miss to realize no substitute will do.

A brush with Arnold!

It started out as any ordinary day, woke up when Raven called to say good morning. He was especially woofy today. Very sweet and loving. We had a great conversation about our life to come. I told him that my new roommate and I were going out for coffee and to see a movie. We went to caribou coffee house. We read the paper, cut coupons and got to know each other a little better. We decided to go and see the movie Hitch with Will Smith. It was very funny, a look into the relationships between men and women. Let me tell you if there was truly a man as wonderful as Will Smith portrays we would all want him.
M and I decided to find a Radio Shack as I needed to find a small tape recorder. We are walking along Easton Mall in Columbus just minding our own business. I am intent on finding the store, M is just people watching. When up ahead I notice three really cute guys in suits with little tiny radio wires sticking out of their ears. They appeared to be talking into the wrists of their suite coats. Now someone with a little more on the ball, then I have today would be thinking. WOW someone important must be coming. No not me, I think, man these guys are pretty rude making everybody move out of their way. They make a lady with a baby carriage move, pretty mean if you ask me. Anyway I think this in about 30 seconds when I see the store we are looking for. I turn to go in the general direction of the store when I feel someone grab my arm. Now as an ex cop it is not a good idea for anyone to put their hands on me (unless I want them to). So I pull away and get ready to let them have it (still not sure if I would have come up swinging or swearing) When I hear my roommate say " look, look, Ravenslove look!!!" I am like" WHAT those fucking rude guys!" I am not quiet. When she says" no Arnold." By now I am ticked I just want to get to Radio Shack. I say "ARNOLD WHO?!!!" At this point I dodge around one of the suit guys and run right into Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now I am about a foot and half from the governor of California. Everybody has stopped. All eyes are on me and Arnold. The body guards are all sizing me up as if I am John Wilkes Booth. So I smile at Arnold and Say "Hi Gov, Hows it going?" At which point he says in that voice of his "Fine, how are you?" I say "Fine thank you" and move along. Now I am past being jumped on by a bunch of body guards and heading for the Radio Shack. When my roommate says I can't believe you didn't see Arnold sooner. I said "look I was busy, unless someone stopped and said 'Hey Ravenslove how the hell are you!' I wouldn't have noticed the president. Much less a Governor." And I walked into Radio Shack surrounded by peals of laughter. Now I have to call my best friend and tell her to quit sending her Governor to check up on me.

Explosion in Ashtabula

The weird Valentine's day was the signing of the papers. The explosion is when my soon to be ex was served with the divorce papers. That happened at 9:45 am in the morning, this morning. The phone call followed. I am being mean and vindictive; Oh and greedy as well. So finishes the end of a 21 year relationship. According to my ex I am not allowed to contact anyone in his family. That would include the two boys I have helped raise for 21 years as well as two grandsons that I have helped raise and loved all of their lives. Now the true light of the man I married comes out. He is petty, vicious and controlling. I knew that during our life together, I just ignored that fact.
I love the boys, both grandsons and my future daughter in law. They are all wonderful people. I know the ex will try to make it as difficult as possible to stay in touch with them. He will do everything in his power to turn them against me. The boys, both almost into their 30's can make their own decisions. What concerns me is the grandsons. The kids are 3 and 6 years old. I am sure after hearing all that my ex will have to say that it will be hard for the 6 year old to still love his Nona. The 3 year old just won't remember me. Too young.
Considering my ex husband has two other ex wives one of whom played with his sons emotions for years, no one will believe that he would do that to me with the boys. I guess after you turn 50 not only do you get a girlfriend and screw over your wife of 20 years, you also loose your morals and do things you swore you would never do. Because of that I have done something I swore never to do. GO FOR BLOOD!!

No call not good.

Today the phone didn't ring this morning. It has rung every morning for at least three months, since I have lived in Columbus. Now most people would not even think twice about that fact. Except when your life revolves around getting phone calls from your man. You notice when they are missing. This morning about 10 am. I called MCI to see if there was a problem with my phone line. No nothing on MCI's side. Now the real worring begins. Is the problem on his side of the phone lines. There are so many things it could be. Lock down because of the weather? Problems in the pod? Issue with Raven himself?.....
I love my morning phone calls, waking up to the sexiest, most loved voice in the world. Ok at least in my world. We say we love each other, he asks whats on my agenda for the day. We talk about his day, what he did, how was his workout and what tv shows we watched. That is another way we connect. we try to watch the same shows so we have things to talk about in common. Mostly we just listen to each others voices.
So now I try to tune into what he is thinking. I feel upset but not angry or scared. Nothing is too bad, probably just lock down and no phone usage. I try to send him my love and concern. Make him feel how much I miss him and adore him. Now I just wait, wait and think about him. Hope he is fine. Isn't going to matter for at least 2 more hours anyway its count time.

So may be things are going to get better?

So as hard as the last couple of months have been, I had started to think there was no light at the end of my tunnel. The on Sunday I met a nice lady named Michelle who needed to find a place to stay. I have been looking for a roommate for at least two months now. Have interviewed quite a few people who wanted to move in. Most of them men. That did not go over well with Raven. He does trust me, he just wasn't thrilled with the idea. So I interviewed guys. One who was from Russia, one from Italy and an American. All of who were very interesting. None of who wanted to come up with the deposit or make a commitment to pay the rent in March. (go figure men who won't make a commitment). Anyway I have met Michelle and she seems awesome. She will be moving in tomorrow. Which will help immensely with the money situation.
As if the Great Spirit suddenly decided I was worth some good news and good luck. I also received a call from an employer that I had applied to over Monster. It seems like a great job. The starting pay is double what I am receiving at the Co. I am at now. The bonus schedule is huge. There is allowances for car repair, milage, cell phone and laptop. They train you and give you the existing clients in your area. The area only 45 square miles and there is only one rep in the area. They seem very interested in me. We spoke for quite a while covering all the responsibilities and the benefits. I have to go in for a face to face soon. I should know tomorrow. It looks and sounds really good. It would make the difference in worrying whether or not the bills could be paid, or juggling which one to skip. I could actually just pay them. Wow new concept.
I spoke today with Raven. We had such a fun and loving conversation. Everything, well almost everything, perfect. Laughed for almost an hour with my friend D. She knows how to make me laugh so hard I cry. There is something wonderful about touching base with people you love, on a day when things seems to be going right. Maybe, just maybe after 5 months of barely making ends meet. or at least getting them as close as possible. Things are looking up. Life seems to be turning my way. Lets hope it lasts.