Saturday, May 31, 2008

What I learned from Sex in the City.

Big opening this week. Lots of diva's dressed to the hilt. Some with their gay male friends on their arms. Lots of tears and lots of laughter. No spoiler in this blog but what I can tell you is that Samantha is a lot more then just sex. In the movie when they are talking about the changes in their relationship. Samantha says how I feel. Some how she has been so concentrated on loving him, she forgot to love herself first.

I can feel the sentiment on that one. How do you go about recovering the love you should have for yourself. What if you haven't ever had it. I spent three months in the progress of learning to love my self. I had 20 years of loving a husband and children (not mine by blood, mine by nurture and love)Four kids and one man (ha) no time to learn. Then we were over and I moved out.

I had three months on my own. After that time I met my husband, Raven. There was so much drama associated with loving a man in prison that I lost my self again. For a while it was OK. He lost and gave up as much as I did. Or so I thought. We were blissful for 5 years. Then the parole board hit. Now I wonder who am I. The woman before Sept 12, 2007 or the one after.

Samantha taught me that it isn't all Raven that is causing the problems we are going through. It's me as well. Me who can't stand up for what I want and what I should be. Me who's inner voice plays vile words from an ex-husband in my head over and over again. Me who never learned to love myself in any worthy manor.

While I learned from Samantha I am not willing to reach the level that she did. I love my husband with all my heart. I believe that we are just going through a very long and shitty phase. What I do need to do is train my inner voice to be nice to myself. Then I won't be so dependant on others to fulfill that role. You see that role carries a lot of pressure. No one can say what you want to hear when your own voice won't say it to you.

So that's what I learned from Samantha in Sex in the City.
Love your self first. Others will follow.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

The perfect husband

The perfect husband only exists on tv and in the movies. The guys (both of them) in Ps I Love You would be perfect examples of them. They are loving funny with a little bit of a temper, yet always thinking of their wife first.

I thought I had found my own perfect husband. I did, the letters that were written the phone calls all of which led me to think Raven was perfect. Then the board gave us more time. He went into protection mode. Protection mode keeps everybody out, everybody including me. Some how I got lost in the aftermath.

I no longer feel like the most important person to my husband and that hurts more then I could have ever realized. Even more then the board giving us more time. I never had doubts when we weren't visiting becaue I always thought I was most important in his life. Now with visits, commissary, vollyball everything is more important. He says I am the most important but actions speak louder then words. His actions say otherwise. I just hurt, hurt before visits, and cry all the way home after visits. It's just hard. I don't know what to do.

I know visits are hard on him. They get stripped out by this asshole, both on the way in and the ways out. Even though most people know that the staff bring in most of the contraband, not much chance of shoving a pound of weed up your ass, it has to come in with staff in their bags. If you want to stop the drugs in prison put a drug dog in the lobby and let them sniff were they want. Chances are it will be staff more then visitors.

Either way I know he can't stand being in the visiting room with all those people behind him. They are not allowed to get up unless they have to piss. Having all those people behind him makes him crazy. If you don't trust anybody it's especially hard to have strangers at your back.
Do I really believe that my husband doesn't love me enough, is it his issue or mine. I don't know. All I know is it's still painfull.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Cochise 4/7/06

Cochise 4/7/06
Originally uploaded by ravenslove
Ok I just had to show everyone this. This was Cochise's first day in our home. The fur in the bottom right of the picture is Lupina. Poor Cochise wanted to be close to her but wasn't sure if she wanted him around. They were so fun to watch get to know each other. The truth is the cat is not mine. I bought him for Lupina when I started to work two jobs. Yes I bought a pet for my dog. Some of my friends have asked if I am going to buy a rat for my cat. Very funny guys. Very funny.


Originally uploaded by ravenslove
So I don't believe I have ever introduced this particular member of the family. This is Cochise, a two year old blue point siamese. Now as good and innocent as my dog is. Cochise is as evil as they come. (not really) He will steal money from wallets and purses. Hair ties are never safe. We found $167 that he had stolen over a period of time. I think he was saving up for a girl friend. Seriously he loves to cuddle under the blanket. Next to your back or on those certain weeks on my stomach. He has the nicest purr I have ever heard. Even with his evil streak he is a well loved member of our family.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

"Love is like a knife, it can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that will last a lifetime."