Friday, April 29, 2005

How do I love thee, let me count the ways.

My best friend who writes the devolution blog wrote a list of things she loves about her man. I decided to write one also. Since so many of them are the same I kept going till I couldn't think of any more. So D you know I love you and I hope you don't mind me plagiarizing just a little.

Why I love Raven

1. I love the way that he makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world.

2. I love the way that he loves me.

3. I love the way that we are silly together.

4. I love the way the he feels in my arms.

5. I love his lips on mine.

6. I love that he puts our family above himself.

7. I love the way he worries about my mom.

8. I love how his hair is so black it shines blue in the sunlight.

9. I love how he draws and makes little tokens to show his love for me.

10. I love that he can't fully smile in pictures.

11. I love that he'll move to the ends of the earth as long as we're together.

12. I love that he is willing to start over with nothing just to be with me.

13. I love his beautiful brown eyes.

14. I love his smile.

15. I love that he isn't afraid to cry.

16. I love that he is tough on the outside, but tender on this inside.

17. I love his body, even in state blues.

18. I love how he is a better man after all of this time.

19. I love that he makes my knees weak, and my head spin, just by hearing his voice.

20. I love that he wants to experience everything together.

21. I love that he trusts my judgment.

22. I love that his is patient with me even when I'm crying.

23. I love that he call me "snookums".

24. I love the confidence in himself.

25. I love that he can handle adversity and come out stronger.

26. I love his intelligence.

27. I love his lust for knowledge.

28. I love that he loves me...more.

29. I love when he tells me in graphic detail what he wants to do to and with me when he comes home. Woof!

30. I love that he depends on me, and knows that he can.

31. I love the look on his face when he's being naughty.

32. I love that he wants to build our house himself.

33. I love that we can finish each other's sentences.

34. I love that no matter what the subject, we are always on the same wavelength at the exact same time.

35. I loved holding his hand.

36. I love when he tells me that I am perfect.

37. I love that he's not afraid of anyone.

38. I love that he's incredibly sentimental and romantic.

39. I love that he understands what he did when he blows it.

40. I love when he's quirky.

41. I love that he is a clean freak like I am.

42. I love that he loves himself.

43. I love that he truly makes me feel beautiful inside and out.

44. I love that he loves to cook and looks forward to cooking for me.

45. I love that he's incredibly masculine without being macho, pretentious, or continually self-aware.

46. I love when we hear each others voice, all our cares melt away.

47. I love when he tells me he will protect me and has the ability to back it up.

48. I love that he says that I have made him a better person.

49. I love that he watches the same show on Wednesday nights because he knows that it is my favorite.

50. I love that his body fits perfectly with mine.

51. I love that he has experienced horrible things and still radiates life.

52. I love that he isn't afraid or intimidated by me.

53. I love that he is passionate, fierce, and sensitive.

54. I love that he has a huge heart.

55. I love that he talks about me as if every part of me is precious.

56. I love the fact that we dream up grand adventures together.

57. I love that he wants to go to california to see My Best friend.

58. I love that he isn't afraid to tell me his deepest fears.

59. I love that he has a strong work ethic.

60. I love when we were able we could look at each other across a crowded room, everyone else disappears.

61. I love that he makes me see that my heart has finally found a home.

62. I love that he is good under adverse conditions.

63. I love that he values my opinion.

64. I love that he is beautiful, and I never tire of looking at him.

65. I love that when he talks about hugging me I am overcome with the sense of belonging like I have never felt before.

66. I love that he is sexy without really knowing it.

67. I love when he kissed me it made me feel like I've died and gone to heaven.

68. I love that he did a lot of segregation time for me, when he could have made it easier on himself by agreeing with the investigator.

69. I love that he can give me an orgasm just by hearing his voice.

70. I love that he is always willing to admit when he's wrong (usually with a ten minute lag time).

71. I love that he is not afraid to ask for help.

72. I love that he helps his family even though they don't all deserve it.

73. I love that he very seldom has a bad word to say about anyone.

74. I love that he is the most gorgeous man that I have ever seen.

75. I love that he keeps his promises.

76. I love that he loves teasing me.

77. I love that he seeks peace amid a world of turmoil

78. I love that he loves my family.

79. I love that he always encourages me to write.

80. I love that he loves his new boots.

81. I love that he talks about me, us and our future to others because he is proud of it.

82. I love that he understands my humor.

83. I love that he knows that I can swear like a sailor and he is okay with it.

84. I love that he is incredibly patriotic.

85. I love that he is accepting.

86. I love that he practices his heritage, even though the prison makes it hard on him.

87. I love that he loves the beauty of nature as much as I do.

88. I love that he kicks ass at cards.

89. I love that he shows off when he knows that he is good at something.

90. I love that he is the sexiest man that I have ever met.

91. I love that he appreciates the beauty and value of things.

92. I love that he can fix anything.

93. I love that he loves me more than life itself.

94. I love that he can be stubborn, but will melt if I ask him to do something.

95. I love that he is willing to try anything once.

96. I love that he won't share me except with my mom and my dad.

97. I love that he's overly protective.

98. I love that he takes care of himself.

99. I love that he gives the best phone sex.

100. I love that he wants to see me in the morning, no matter how bad I think I look

101. I love that he took an incredible risk at the beginning of our relationship because he loved me.

102. I love that he said that he'll love me forever.

103. I love that he loves my dog.

104. I love that he encourages me to have friends.

105. I love that he is incredibly loyal.

106. I love that he loves surprises.

107. I love that he loves everything I do for him.

108. I love that he can't stick to a phone schedule any more then I can.

109. I love that he still believes in chilvary.

110. I love that he is for ever putting his foot down to be the man.

111. I love that he is good at forgiving me for occasional mood swings.

112. I love that he is willing to suffer in silence.

113. I love that he acts like a baby when he is sick.

114. I love that he has always considered me his wife, even BEFORE we are married.

115. I love that he reads books, and not just magazines.

116. I love that he strives to always be better.

117. I love that he gets jealous.

118. I love that he made me a beautiful symbol of our heritage.

119. I love that he wants to teach me everything that he knows, including working on cars.

120. I love that he thinks it's sexy that I have power tools.

121. I love that he is incredibly protective.

122. I love that he loves my parents.

123. I love that he is spiritual in his own sense.

124. I love that he actually loves my pictures.

125. I love that he wants to right all of the wrongs in my life.

126. I love that he loves sunsets as much as I do.

127. I love that he misses me.

128. I love that I can lose myself in his voice.

129. I love that I turn him on...immensely.

130. I love that he hates our brothers as much as I do.

131. I love that my every wish is his command.

132. I love that he draws for me.

133. I love that he accepts our age differences and still thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.

134. I love that he wants me to go out and have fun while he is gone.

135. He's a good listener.

136. He always values my opinion.

137. He loves my intelligence above all else.

138. He loves my body a close second to 137.

139. He is deliciously perverse.

140. I love that he can always make me laugh.

141. He has a hunger to learn something new everyday.

142. He has a bad ass attitude. (which I adore)

143. He has sexiest tattoos.

144. He can do math in his head faster then anyone I know.

145. He has been down 10 years and still has the ability to love.

146. Watching him walk is a thing of beauty.

147. He loves to work out.

148. He loves to read.

149. He writes the most loving letters.

150. His whole being changes around puppies.

151. He loves old time rock.

152. He makes Sundays very special.

153. He has the strongest arms.

154. He can tell a story with enough intensity to take your breath away.

155. He is dark and brooding at times.

156. He keeps me up on a pedestal.

157. He is very loyal.

158. He is very spiritual.

159. Just a simple "good morning Baby" from him has the ability to make the whole day go well.

160. He is insecure about his feet.

161. He challenges me to learn about our heritage.

162. He takes responsibility for what he does.

163. He knows the the right thing to say at the right time.

164. And when he doesn't he isn't afraid to apologize.

165. He loves every curve on my body.

166. He is very quick witted and funny.

167. His goatee is sexy.

168. He is always proud of me.

169. He encourages everything I try.

170. He is always concerned with health, both mine and his.

171. I love that he worries about me.

172. I love that he loves Desperate Housewives.

173. He is strong willed and can meet me head on.

174. He prays for me and our family everyday.

175. He loves all of me flaws and all.

176. He is able and willing to be fully present and in the moment.

177. He loves the stories I write about us.

178. He is always there to hear what I am saying.

179. He invented phone cuddling.

180. He can read my mind.

181. He gets frustrated when I send money.

182. He looks sexy in green.

183. I love that he has a crooked tooth.

184. I love the way he smells.

185. I love that he sends me his shirts so I can sleep with them.

186. He reminds me daily to give thanks to the Great Spirit.

187. I love that his nickname is Geronimo.

188. I love that he is so physical.

189. Have I said that I love the tattoo on his neck yet?

190. He loves my butt. Not my favorite body part.

191. He loves my breasts. More close to my favorite body part.

192. He loves my hair, eyes and smile best of all.

193. I love that he is always interested in what I am doing during the day.

194. I love that he wants to help make decisions in our life.

195. I love that he wants to talk to our dog when he calls.

196. I love that when our dog hears his voice she cocks her head and runs to get a toy so she can play with him.

197. He is always concerned with me above all else.

198. I love that he introduced me to shamanic living.

199. I love that he is challenging me to learn Apache.

200. I love that he will love me forever, as I will always love him.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

The Great Spirit is always watching.

This morning I prayed, hard, harder then I ever have in my life. I had a meeting this morning with someone from the Adult Parole Authority. It was time to speak on Ravens' behalf. I have a parole packet put together with help from friends and family. The appointment was for 10 am. I was early. They took me in right away. No time to sit and ponder. I was ushered into a room with V.K. an Ohio parole hearing officer. She seemed nice enough, if not professional. Unfortunately the first thing she said is that her computer is not working. I handed her the packet. She appeared very impressed, asked questions about the contents. Then she asked if I had put the packet together myself. What does that mean? maybe I was feeling a little defensive, but i couldn't help think, that she was being somewhat condescending.
She asked if I had any questions. The first one I had was what category Raven was. In ohio, inmates are classified into a guideline table. Categories down the left side of the table, with risk factor across the top. follow them together and you have guidelines for time served. Raven and I have a little disagreement as to what category he is. I say he is a 10 with a risk factor of 4 which gives him guidelines 150-210 months, he says he is a 9 with a risk factor of 4. Guidelines 108-144. Raven has 124 months served. Needless to say I am so praying I am wrong. That is one of the major questions I wanted answered today. Nope computer down not going to happen. VK couldn't answer anything I asked because she didn't have the details of the crime. I asked if I could reschedule the meeting. No it would be against APA rules to have more then one meeting. Now since this blog is not about the entire meeting I am going to continue on with the main title of this blog.
6 days ago I lost one of my favorite pair of earrings. I searched all over. We had parked on the side of the building so I looked from there to the apartment. No luck. I searched the clothes I was wearing and my apartment. No luck. I had given up. Just chalked it up to another of a string of bad luck.
Today I was walking Lupina. Walking her in the back parking lot. When a friend from work pulled up and asked how my day off had gone. I told him that it was pretty bad. Gave him the short version of the parole drama. I had just said to him. "Sometimes I just wonder why it's always so bad." C said to pray. I said that I think the Great Spirit is just to busy to watch out for me. That he had forgotten about me. As I was saying that I looked down. There in the lot, no where near I where I was the day I lost it, was my earring. I started crying. I realized right then, that he does love me, does care about me and is always watching out for me. So you see The Great Spirit is always watching.

I wil continue with the Parole Drama in another post.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005


Now that I have your attention let me explain. One of the many things about loving an inmate is the insecurities that come from not knowing your man on the outside. I belong to a group called PTO (prison talk online), a organization for loved ones of the incarcerated. Many times on the web site you will hear of men coming home after a long period of incarceration. You read about the happiness of their mates when they walk through that gate to freedom. Then many times not to long into the future you will read how that same man left the women who stood beside him for how ever long it had been.
The mate tries to understand, tries to give space to the newly free person. It doesn't seem to work. Eventually the former inmate leaves that person. Usually to go to a new person or my favorite, their baby's momma. What is left behind is a person who doesn't know her own worth, some one who thinks that all that love and support was wasted. Because she doesn't deserve to be loved. This happens more often then not. Rarely do you read that the couple live happily ever after.
Now back to the title, my best friend D and I were speaking on Tuesday. We were commenting on something her man said. He wondered out loud, if he would want to be with someone else when he got out. Now she knows that he was actually asking for reassurance in their relationship. But it still feeds in to the insecurities. We were also talking about something Raven said. Raven and I were talking about famous people we met. He said jokingly that I should always carry a camera so I can send him pictures of the famous people I run into. So far ok, then like any good man he had to say something stupid. The next comment was make sure if I run into Anna Nicole Smith or Jeanine Jamison (a porn star) make sure to send him tittie shots. Now considering that most of American women have body issues. That is not the thing to say too any women. Definitely not the thing to say to someone who just went through the whole Raven's friend and the Knife incident. I had been told a bunch of things that would happen once Raven was released. Then that comment, what these men don't seem to understand is that these kind of comments feed into our insecurities and the fears that we are giving everything, our heart, our love, and will be left in the end. Left for someone younger with perfect breasts, or worse the baby's momma. Waiting how ever long we wait to be just another statistic on PTO.

Saturday, April 23, 2005


I am just kind of putting this out there. Why can emotions be all over the board even though nothing has changed. Some days I am happy. The next day (nothing happened) I feel like I could cry all day. Yesterday and today I just feel very despondent. Raven tried so hard last night to help me feel better. So did all my usual phone friends. Nothing worked. I still feel like I could stay in bed and cry all day. Maybe because it's so dismal here in the great State of Ohio. Maybe because it's that time of month (although I hate the way men think thats the answer to every negative emotion). Maybe because as Raven and I get closer to parole hearing and the hope that he will be home soon, I feel scared. I can handle the time that he may still be gone. What I can't handle for now is the fact I still don't get to see him. We are coming up on the anniversary of the last time I was able to hold him. It's will be a year. Long enough, I feel to be punished for breaking a rule and falling in love with Raven. We have held strong throughout this year. With letters and phone calls, our love has flourished and deepened. So I was just wondering to my self, how long can they punish us for such a beautiful emotion such as love.

Thursday, April 21, 2005


I have been looking for a new job since I came out to Columbus. The job I have in a call center is 1. not very rewarding, 2. not financially beneficial, 3. very stressful. If you read sheep, sheep and more sheep, then you know exactly what my day is like. I need to make more money. I am barely make my rent and have to pay for a divorce lawyer as well as the usual bills we all pay. Anyway I have been on the job hunt for a couple of months, looking for a job that I could enjoy doing while getting paid a reasonable rate of pay. I have applied to and been offered different jobs. Some good, some not so good. I was called back for a third interview with a company I really wanted to work for. They lead me to believe that the job was mine. Even telling me that I would go to Florida for a week for training. I was looking forward to earning enough money to live. I admit it my hopes were very high. Why do managers and supervisors give people such high hopes?
There was at least two people who pretty much told me I had the job. So during the whole incident with H, as if that day wasn't bad enough, I call to ask about the job and I am told that it was down between me and another person and I didn't get it. Great Frosting to add to an already shitty day. So needless to say I am back looking for another job. D said I should stop looking for a job based on money and find one based on things I enjoy doing. Smart women that D. So now I am on the hunt for a job that I will enjoy. Hopefully something involving Harley Davidson motorcycles or animals. Only time will tell.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Ravens friend and the knife

human warehouses
Originally uploaded by ravenslove.
Raven and H have been cellie's since Oct 2004. They watch each other's back and break bread with each other everyday. In prison it's something to say you trust someone to that extent. I have known about H since Raven got to his institution. We have sent birthday cards and Christmas cards to each other. I sent Raven, H and Ch, another friend calendars for Christmas in our names (Raven and I). Have spoken to H on the phone for different reasons. When H got a picture of himself and Divet, a dog in the prison program, he wanted a copy made and sent to his mom. I got the picture enlarged and framed and sent it in H's name to his mom. All to help my man out. You see in prison the wife is an extension of the man incarcerated. I wanted people to know that they could count on Raven and I, as long as they watched my man's back. This is all leading up to the fact that I felt H could be trusted. When Raven told me that H made parole, I was very happy for him. I could only be happier if it were my man who had made it. We talked about how H would get home, his mom is disabled and could not come and get him. We waited to see if his brother or sister in law could come get him. In the mean time Raven and I spoke about dress outs. Clothes that you wear leaving the prison. You see convicts believe that you should leave most of your belongings in prison for the other guys. You only take out letters and personal things. It's bad luck to take out items that could be left to help the guys still in. H didn't have anyone to get him dress outs. I told Raven I would get him an outfit. He got Levi's and a black shirt, and I gave up a black bandana because it was a special request. When it came down to H would have to ride the bus home. I volunteered to pick him up and give him a ride to his mom's. Now let me say if Raven thought there was any problem with picking H up, he would have said not to. So it was decided I would pick him up 4/18/05 at 7:30 am.
On the 18th I arrived at the prison at about 6:45 am. I didn't want to be late on H first day of freedom. I pulled on the grounds of the institution that not only keeps the man I love locked up, but also won't let me see him. Needless to say It was very emotional. I was looking at the prison thinking how bleak and drab it looked. It warehouses human beings. The worst part of that thought was that it warehoused thee most important person in my life. Raven. I was just looking and thinking about his life, wondering which building was his. Where he went to rec, chow or medical call. If one of the windows I could see was his. Just sitting there thinking. Missing him so bad, I started crying and couldn't stop. That is of course when he called. We spoke for the required 15 minute period. Him saying all the right things, me just sobbing quietly. He told me it would be alright, that our time is coming. I told him I loved him and it would be ok. The one thing that is hardest for Raven to take is when I cry. So I tried to suck it up and be cheerful. Told him I would talk to him after H got out. Told him how much I love him and how I would always be here for him.
So the whole object for this day was to pick up H a man who has been in and out of prison for the last 17 years. More in then out. I went inside the prison to ask how the procedure went. A very nice female c/o told me that they would let him out around 9:00 am., We (the families) were not allowed to talk to the inmate until they crossed an imaginary line in the concrete. She asked what I drove so I told her. They would tell the inmate to look for the car. Now if you have been down for 5 years and the car came out 3 years ago, how are these men supposed to know what to look for. Just crazy. Also, what happens if you cross that line. Do they take the men back in and keep them for more time? I just decided to wait farther back in the parking lot for H. Then at 9:45 am they started letting the men out. First came a guy who was in for 18 years, his uncle and brother were here to pick him up. Then came a guy who was down for even more time, his brother and nephew were waiting to take him to a big family reunion. Then came H looking pretty happy to be out. I called his name and waved. He smiled back. I gave him the clothes I had brought. He changed in the parking lot. He had a check they had given him. So first we were going to a bank. How do you cash a check with no ID. If your a convict you use a release paper. Check cashed so far, so good. H was being quite, but nice. I got lost and we ended up about an hour farther then we should have been. We saw an outlet shopping mall, H asked what it was, so I told him we could stop and check it out. H decided he wanted to look for shoes and shades. We also looked at a Big dog shop. Now for those of you who don't know that shop has t shirts, dresses, dog collars and leashes, a little of everything. The first thing that started going wrong was when H tried to touch my breasts while holding up a shirt in front of me trying to see if it would fit. Now I just moved out of the way and told him I didn't want him to buy me anything. That particular incident led to him trying a few other things. All of which I dodged. Now I was starting to get a little worried. Raven called and asked to speak to H. The joke was Raven told H get your hands off my woman. Little did he know how close that had come to. So we got back into my car to head to his mom's. Now it started. All of sudden H is telling me things about Raven, that I know are not true. He says "the kid" only wants me for my bike, for my money. when we met he was looking for someone to take care of him. How Raven and I don't have a "real" relationship. Complaining about my mans cleaning habits and how he is a slob. All of this for my own good since we (H and I) are friends. I am thinking even if Raven were using me wouldn't H first loyalty be to his cellie who he has lived with. That alone is enough reason to know that H is lying. Now H says he has to piss. So we stop at a steak and shake. Use the bathroom and get a bite to eat. He is trying to feed me. All the time making insidious comments about Raven. " The kid is younger when he gets out he will find the first young sexy thing that looks his way and leave you." H said to me. Then he reaches out and tries to touch my eye brow ring. "Why did you do that mid life crises" More shit. Now I can't really say anything I want to because I am stuck in a car with this asshole. Raven and I trusted him. Now I am not sure what he would do if I started telling him exactly what I think of him. I just wanted to get him to his mothers ASAP. A really smart person told me later that I should have sent him in to a store for a pack and taken off. Leaving him by the side of the road. Only I am not like that. Now I am thinking of his mother and how she would like having to find a ride from nowhere to pick him up. So I resolve to just gut it out. Then he says to me "we could go have some fun before we get to my moms" in that slimy way some guys talk. I asked him what he meant by that. He just said you know. Now I am fully pissed so I say to him " I am not going to fuck you H." The son of a bitch has the nerve to look innocent and say I never said anything like that. All the while trying to touch me. I finally said touch me again and your going home with a broken arm. He laughed and said he would just have to roll me around in the grass to prove I wasn't that tuff. Ok now I am freaking out this guy is a fucking idiot.
My dog is in the car and I can't figure out how to get were we need to go so I can be rid of him. All the time Raven would call and speak with me and H.
Raven must have asked 6 times if I was ok. He said I was sounding quite. What was I going to say to him at that time. Nothing just that I love him and would talk with him that night after 6 pm.
After what seemed like forever H and I pulled up at his mothers house. I went in to get a bowl of water for Lupina who had been with us the whole time.
When I met his mom she asked if I had sent the picture of H and Divot. I said yes. Then she asked me when my brother gets out of prison. I said who?
She said you know H cellie. aren't you H cellie's sister. I said No I am his wife. So H had been telling everybody that I was Raven's sister and that H and I may be becoming a couple. Oh Hell no. I was so ready to get out of there. Lupina and I started heading for the door. H asked me to stay and I said no. When Lupina and I were back in the car and on the way home. I started to cry again. Only this was worse. Not only was the man I love and trust with all my heart in that awful place but the cellie he trusted just put the knife in his back. I cried, not because I believed anything H said. But because this slime was who my man had to count on as a friend. I cried because my love didn't have his own version of D. A friend who would never betray him, never bad mouth him, someone who would be beside him come hell or high water. I was still crying when my D called. Between sobs I told her what happened. She was furious called H all the right names and said all the right things. If Raven only wanted my bike, why would he call my house 12 times in one day just to hear my voice on the answering machine when he knew I wasn't home. Why would he get angry when I send him money. I already knew those things but it was nice hearing them all over again. I was finally able to stop crying when D said that Raven would be ok as long as he had her and I. So see Raven may not realize it but he does have two people who are here for him no matter what. Me and the best friend someone could have D. Then came a whole new issue. What to tell Raven?
Since Raven and I don't keep secrets, I knew I had to tell him. How to start? I started with "Baby, I love you, you and I are fine" Then I asked him if he had set H up to test me. I have heard of that kind of thing happening. He thought I was joking so he said "why did you fail?" Not the right thing at the right time. I asked him to just answer the question.
He knew by the sound of my voice things were not good. I told him everything that happened. Now usually I can read Raven pretty well. I couldn't tell how he was feeling. He had his feelings masked. I know he was shocked and in disbelief. How could his friend stab him in the back like that. We talked back and forth about H for two 15 minute calls. On the second one I finally said "Baby if I had any doubt about us or you, you would be sitting in your cell alone with no one on the outside waiting for you. That is what H wanted, do you understand that?" I think it finally sunk in then. After the last call of the night. H called me, wanted to know if I got home safe and if the kid had called. Why didn't I call him and let him know I was safe. I told him that yes my man had called and it was not his responsibility to make sure I got home safe. I told him that I was blocking his number and not to call here again. He was surprised, asked how I could treat Raven's friend like this. I told him that he had stuck the knife in as far as he was allowed. Now it was my job to pull it out and help Raven heal. I hung up. D called for our nightly call. I was just to tired, told her I was always grateful that she was my friend, but I was ready for a bright shiny new day.
We hung up and I cried myself to sleep.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

What can he do for you?

Being the love of an incarcerated man, I hear this statement everyday. "What can he do for you?" They are then very quick to point out what he can't do for me. He can't help pay the bills. He can't help with the house work, or the car. Can't be there to hold you when things go bad. Can't be here to make love to me.
Now I was married for 21 years to a former police officer. He was with me every hour that he wasn't at work. Trust me it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. His idea of being there during times of trouble was to scream that I wasn't handling it correctly. Housework was a women's work so that was out of the question. As for making love, It was something I was willing to skip with this man. He was what most people think would be a good catch. Little did they know. He was violent and abusive. Constantly putting me down, saying nasty and emotionally damaging things. When I would defend my self it would get physical.
Now back to what Raven does for me. Yes, it's true, he can't help with the house work, yet. But he says when he gets home we will help each other get the house work done in half the time so we will have more time together. Car work is a whole other issue. See Raven is very stubborn, he says I am not allowed to work on the cars when he is home. He says thats men's work. Go figure, I have always done my own car work, hated it, but got it done. Now as for making love, true he is not here, yet. I will tell tales out of school. Raven gives the best phone sex. I have had more orgasms with my man, over the phone Then I have ever had in person with my ex. He is loving and tender. He communicates exactly what he wants and what he wants us to do when we are together. All of this makes my man priceless. The most important of everything that Raven does for me, is he supports me in everything I do. When I start doubting myself, Raven knows how to talk to me, tells me how I am intelligent. That anyone is lucky to have me working for them. I was sitting in a room full of blue suits, who all hold MBA's. Feeling all intimidated. He called at the right moment. Was talking to me telling me that I have different things to offer the business. I felt more love and support in that 15 minute phone call then I had in 21 years. I know most people won't understand the loving of a convict but as for me, I can't imagine, not being in love with or being loved by Raven.

Friday, April 08, 2005

WTF no call two days!! UPDATE

He called, he called, he called. No segregation, No injury, no fight, just phones out all around the camp. He was able to call me Friday at 6:02 pm. Being the master of understatement he says "hi Baby been missin me?" So I said what do you think?
We had a wonderful talk. Then he starts to ask me what I did today. I told him I took my car to get worked on. Had the oil changed, transmission flushed, radiator flushed. All fluids filled and air in tires checked. He asks me so that cost you what $160? which can I say was exactly what I paid. He started lecturing me about how I could have done it my self for $60. I know he is just trying to save me money. But, after not hearing from him for two days, worrying about all kinds of things. I was upset. Told him I don't have tools, jacks or time to do my own car work. When he gets home he can do it. Just about crying as I said it. All the frustration with dealing with the prison trying to find out if he was ok. Was finally let out in a way I didn't want to happen. I didn't want to make Raven feel bad because I was crying. I knew or almost knew that it was the phone system that was causing the trouble. But after three days, you start to doubt whether you can feel what's going on.
I was worried that he was hurt or worse and I couldn't feel it. Ok all of that is a moot issue. He called, we are fine and he is healthy and missing me as usual. Just as I miss him. Can I just say one more time I love that man and I hate MCI.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

WTF no call two days!!

So yesterday was my day off Raven and I usually talk twice on my day off. No phone call all day. Some how that is just not right. I live for calls from my fiancee. It is all I get along with letters, which I don't get often enough. So I was doing pretty well all day just getting errands done and hoping for a call. Until 7:45pm when I start getting very antsy. Anyway Wednesday came and went and no call from my man. This has only happened once in the past and it was during the Thanksgiving weekend. On that occasion he had a run in with a new corrections officer and was put in segragation. It only lasted 3 days till he had a hearing and was found innocent of the ticket and as Raven would say the wild indian was freed. Those were the longest three days of my life. I was worried about what had happened if he was ok. Now it has been two days and no calls. So we are back to worrying. He is one month away from seeing the parole board and hopefully coming home to me and his dog. Getting thrown in the hole does not look good to the parole board. I called the prison this morning. They won't tell you when an inmate is in the hole but there are ways around that. You just call and ask for the mailing address for the prisoner. When they tell you, the address will let you know if the housing has changed. In Ravens case as long as it comes back 7A then we are ok. If it comes back 5A that is not good. The c/o this morning gave me the post office box, city and zip. At which time I put on my most innocent voice and say "don't I need a house number or cell number?" He asked Ravens Odrc number. Which every good inmates wife has memorized. After getting that number he looked it up on the computer. I on the other hand am like hurry up you are taking to long. When he comes back he says 7A I just wanted to cheer. except here we are at 7:11 pm on Thursday and still no call. WTF. I need to just admit it I am so addicted to Ravens voice that I swear I go through withdrawls when I don't hear from him. Please Great Spirit let my man out soon. Untill then can you let him call me. I am to grey already to have more coming in. I mean WTF no call for two days. WHY?

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

scattered day+scattered thoughts= scattered blog.

Raven and I finally got our phone calls under control. This means one call a night, 3 each on Saturday and Sunday. Now I have Wednesday's off. So in the past Raven used to call me a couple of times on Wednesday. I ran errands today, got my nails done and had sushi for lunch. Came home and tried to write a blog.
When I arrived home I found J making a repair to my kitchen window. I haven't seen him since I told him in no uncertain terms that I love my man and want nothing to do with any other man. Other then friendship. He couldn't handle it. So we have not spoken for about 3 weeks. Anyway I come home today and there's J fixing my screen in the kitchen. Apparently Lupina got freaked out about something and pushed the screen out. So when he was done. He asked if I had put the oil in my car. He had checked it about 4 weeks ago and found it to be low. I told him I couldn't find were the oil went. So he offered to help. He put the oil in my car and was talking about my man. He asked what was going on and how long we had been together. He asked what he was in for and what could Raven possibly do for me. I dodged the question and changed the subject. Well he persisted. So I told him its none of his business. But thanks for the help.
Why this whole story, because I miss my man. I am tired of doing everything by myself. Tired of watching after the car. Making sure all bills are paid. Sleeping alone. Not being able to call my love when I want to. of having to wait till some c/o wants to turn on the phones so Raven can call me. Its hard. Now according to the records of the Ohio Parole Board that my man should be home soon. It's just today; it's not soon enough. I just miss my man so much.
I want to see his smile, see his sexy brown eyes sparkle, be held in his arms again. Now that we have slowed down on the phone calls I miss him even more. Now Raven has been pretty good at writing letters again. The only problem is that now I am addicted to his voice. When I don't hear his voice my day is just a little bit dimmer. I do know that when he is home I promise to try and never take for granted that I can hear his voice. Work with him to make our life what we want it to be.
Speaking of when he comes home. The day he is supposed to come home is three days earlier then I am expecting company. KK and Bk are coming to visit we are planning on going to Cedar Point for a couple of days. Now my idea would be to let them know and reschedule so Raven and I could spend the first week or two together by our selves. The other idea is to have the girls bring their brother J with them. You see J is Raven's son. The idea being to let the girls and J come home to our house and just find Raven there. I am not sure I can't figure out what to do. I know that Raven really wants to see his son. I just wonder if it would be better to get him acclimated to his new surroundings with out the chaos of three teenagers in our house.
I called the number the branch manager of Ameriquest gave me and told me to call today. I was supposed to find out where the meeting was on the 13th. They have decided that they are going to do background checks first before they have the meeting. Great more delays. Why do people make it sound like you have the job then slow everything down. Thats just crazy. So I am back to Dam I miss my man. I would like to talk to the man who is my life partner, let him know how I feel about the whole job issue. Get his take on it.
Again I am tired, tired of waiting for what seems like forever to have things in my life be stable. My man said that the parole board will be looking at my stable home. I wanted to scream stable, who are you kidding. At this time in my life everything, I mean everything is unstable. Hopefully the parole board won't notice.
As long as I am rambling, How can I feel like the reason my life is in an upheaval is because the man I love isn't here. While I love my apartment it doesn't seem like home yet. The fact I moved to Columbus even though my family is in another part of ohio. Allot of my life revolves around a man I have never lived with, never even seen out in the free world. Yet my life feels incomplete because he is not here with me. Then there are the fears, will we be able to get along when he gets home.
We both wear our hearts on our sleeves and are very stubborn and sarcastic. We have promised to talk about all that happens in our life. Discuss the issues as they come up. I love this man with all my heart. My life would not be the same with out him. Yet there is a little concern. Not much but a little. I have lived by myself for over a year. Raven has lived in a little cell with another man for 10 years. Thats allot to adjust to.
Speaking of adjusting to. I went to the mail box today to get the mail. Hoping for a letter from my Baby. Pulled the mail out and found a val pac with all kinds of coupons. Then I find it. The summons to a court date. See it's about to happen I am about to be divorced. I have a june 10 pretrial. So 21 years of marriage comes down to this. So today has a happy ending.
I can't wait to be out and free to truly say I belong to Raven. He knows I love him, but how could he believe that I am his if I am still married to another man. So you see Scattered Day, Scattered Blog, Scattered thoughts. good ending.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Don't let appearances deceive

Today I woke up early. I had an interview. Now if you read sheep sheep and more sheep you would know how much I like my job. I am definitely looking for a new one.
I was cruising monster job when I came upon one I thought looked good. Today I had an interview with Ameriquest Mortgage. I am sitting in a room with 40 middle aged men in blue or black suites. I am one of two women. Everyone but me has years of mortgage experience. Now I have none, not one little tiny bit of mortgage or banking experience. They started calling one on one interviews. I watched as two of the three people in front of me where called, interviewed and then walked out. My turn came, I spoke with a very nice guy. His whole interview was tell me why I should hire you. I spoke about my sales experience and my telephone skills. Told him I like to make money while helping people. He said great and sent me down the hall to speak with the branch manager. I had made the first cut. Now I waited for Monika to come and interview. We talked for a while and seemed to hit it off pretty well. She asked me the main reason I wanted to work for her. Again I said I need to make money. Money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure doesn't hurt. She laughed and asked me to fill out a huge application. She also asked me if I was available to interview with the district manager on the 13th of this month. oh my goodness I made it. So now I only have to make it through the district manager. The base pay is more then I am making as a sheep herder. Plus commission. She told me that their people who have been with the company a year and hustle make average 10,000 a month. A month! I could really live on 10,000 a month. Vacations, coach purses, Ann taylor suits. Oh yea life would be good. The moral of this blog is don't let people distract you or cause you to start you doubting your self. Put your assets forward and let your attributes stand for themselves. Don't let appearances deceive.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Waiting for Spring

Last Thursday we had a temp of 65 degrees, Saturday we had a snow storm, Sunday it was nice again. No wonder we are all sick most of the time. We have a saying here in Ohio "if you don't like the weather, wait a second and it will change" Anyway my brother is going to my parents on Wednesday of this week. My plan was to ride up with him to my parents house so I can pick up my bike. Now on Monday it was 64 and sunny. So the plan was on till my man (who doubles as a weather man) told me that it was going to be cold and rainy. Now I can ride my bike in the rain. I can ride my bike in the cold. But cold and Rainy no I don't think so! that would be too much. Especially since I have to ride 2 1/2 hours to get home. Now I have known some fair weather riders. And I know some hard core biker dudes. I would rank my self somewhere in between. I have been known to ride when other people wouldn't dream of being on the bike. I love my bike and I love to ride. I have an Apple I pod mini and a need for speed. I have been known to speed (very fast) while blaring Linikin Park and other alternative music. In fact I have been known to be pulled over by Ohio's finest. Luckily Ohio's nicest also. I have never gotten a ticket on my bike. Not that I didn't deserve one. Boy have I wandered off the topic. Just dreaming about speed and music. Anyway I am supposed to get my bike on Wednesday, but unless my weatherman is wrong I won't be doing it this Wednesday. If you ask my man, he will tell you that my weatherman is never wrong. I guess I am still waiting for spring.