Friday, December 16, 2005

We shouldn't have to...

We shouldn't have to be punished. Most of us have never broken a law other then speeding. The only thing we have done is fall in love with someone who did. Raven is paying for his crimes, paying for the ones he committed as well as the one he didn't commit. He has been paying for 10 years. I have been paying for as long as we have been together. I can deal with people. People don't bother me. I don't care what people think of me or my relationship. What bothers me is the institutions. The prison who believe that because I used to be a c/o that Raven and I couldn't possibly be in love and that we will never be allowed to visit. We are going through a phase. A phase that has lasted almost two years and will last the rest of our lives. They want to rehabilitate yet they don't want him to have a wife who loves him if she use to be a c/o. Apparently there are drug dealers who can visit the prison as long as they are married to the inmate but a c/o can't. Which is what we found out again today. We won't be able to start visitation again till January 2006. Yea Right. We can hope but I am not holding my breath. We need to get him moved so he can take a class. The class that is supposedly the holy grail of parole. The class that we both think will allow him to come home in 2007. The big question is if he doesn't get the class will they still let him come home?

As if the whole visitation issue isn't enough. MCI is saying I didn't put 100 on the prepaid account. They don't see it. My bank account and it's balance sees it. According to my statement there was 200 put on the prepaid. 7 days ago I faxed the statement to MCI to prove that the payment was there. I called yesterday the fax wasn't there. I have asked a supervisor to call me back. No one has ever called me back. So today I faxed the statement to them again. We shall see. As I was talking to the MCI operator I was explaining for the 15th time what happened. I started to cry. I am so angry and frustrated with the whole situation of visiting and phone bills. I am just tired. We shouldn't have to be punished for loving someone so much that we put up with this crap.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I'm Struggling Too!

Today is a bad day. I wish I could say that I've never had one before, but bad days consume my life. I have no escape from them. Today is a day when I wonder… Where is the support for us "sisters-in-the-struggle?" When a man asks a woman to wait for him while he's in prison, does he realize what an incredible emotional sacrifice it is? Does he realize the pain and never-ending loneliness that attaches itself to her heart and soul? Does he realize that yes; we are in this struggle too?

When I made this choice to do this bid with my man I didn't know what it would mean to consciously hand over the control and happiness of my life…not to my husband, but to an institution. From the very beginning, my husband told me that I had the power in the relationship because I was the one who was free. How am I free? What power do I have? I buy my clothes according to what is acceptable for visits. At anytime, I can go anywhere my heart desires, but my heart's desire is trapped within that prison compound. So, where am I going? I stalk the mailman and won't leave the house until he comes, waiting for a white envelope with that familiar handwriting that has taken the place of hugs and kisses. I check the phone several times a day to make sure it's working, waiting to hear it ring and see "unavailable" appear on the caller ID, a sight that has taken the place of the sound of my doorbell or his car horn. I set my watch to the clocks in the prison. I schedule my bedtime around "Count." No, I don't have any power. The phone company has the power. The prison and the guards have all the power. Today, I feel helpless and out of control.Today surely is a bad day, and yes, I am struggling too.

Today, like most of my bad days that pass, I see a little bit of my life that has slipped away; another memory not made, another dream that doesn't come true. One more day my family is separated. One more day I'm without a real home. I am so often standing on the line between sanity and insanity, I have to keep telling myself, "He's real, this is real, our love is real, and the end will come." Today when he called I had to fight off the urge to beg him to come home to me. "Please come home. If you really loved me, you'd find a way." Today I blame him for keeping us apart. Today I am so very angry with him. Today is definitely a bad day, and yes, I am struggling too.

A good day can turn bad in the blink of an eye, a tick of the clock, or a beat of my heart. I am on an emotional roller coaster that changes course without warning or consideration for my mental state. It never asks permission. Attacks of depression, despair, confusion, and frustration hit me and consume me from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head and every crevice of my body in between. Some bad days I want to curl up in my bed and sleep. Sleep the years away. Some bad days I can't sleep or even eat. Sometimes I have to make my heart beat and my lungs take in oxygen. Suicide is never a thought, but dying from loneliness is always a possibility.

Today I have no answers that make sense to me for the thousands of questions running through my head. My mind is cluttered with doubts and confusion and this makes my heart heavy with guilt and shame. How could I question the one real joy I have in my life? There are so many people who are lonely, without love and passion in their lives, so as difficult as this ordeal is, I know that what he and I share is the most precious of all gifts. But today, I can't remember all the unconditional love, support, and non-judgment that my man has bestowed upon me. Today I can't remember that my man is the only one who really understands and accepts me, and the good and the bad. Today, I can't remember all the desire and passion that my man has brought out of me. Today, I can't remember that he plays no games, tells no lies, and wears our love like a badge of honor. Today, is obviously a bad day, and yes, I am struggling too!

While I wouldn't change one second, erase one tear, or forget heartache, I can truly understand why a woman would choose not to wait. The reality is that I am in prison too…I am also doing time and the only thing I am guilty of is being in love with my man.

For every one of us who stands by our man, that can endure the bad days and savor the good, there are many who can't. Many just don't even try. To the men whose women have chosen to move on, you must always remember that there are always two sides to every story. Your women might not tell you what's in their hearts, but if you listen hard enough you can hear them. You can hear their confusion and their fear pleading with you to understand, to forgive, to accept, and to remember…

Not every woman is strong enough to endure the bad days that the struggle brings.
Thank the Great Spirit, I'm strong enough!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The way prison changes the family

I was talking to my Friend DH. Her son is recently sent to prison for four years. Now DH is a law abiding citizen never been in trouble. Her son on the other hand has been. She was telling me how her son was charged with rape, kidnapping, among a bunch of other charges. I told her I could look her son up for her. I was planning on giving her infomation on the prison. Visiting things allowed, things not allowed. When I told her that her son was only charged with Rape. At which point she said "Rape oh cool" I started to laugh. Only people involved in the prison system would understand the goofy way prison changes people. Now she didn't mean that it was right that her son was involved in a rape. She mean that he was charged with one crime, not 6 that would eventually be bargined down. Me, I just never thought I would have heard that line coming out of her mouth. So yes, prison changes families and I just had to laugh.


I realize that this is a reoccurring theme. Today When Billy calls me the Mci dude says we can talk for 8 minutes. WTF I just put 100.00 on the prepaid account. Ok time for a Mci rant here sorry. A couple of months ago I went mci prepaid. Now since I have done that, more times then are supposed to happen the prepaid doesn't work. Now today they say I have no money on the account. The don't "SEE" the payment on 12/07/2005. So they shut off the prepaid. And I am looking at the payment on my statement. Then when my bank fax the statement to them they say they did not get it. It was faxed four, not one, not two, not three but four times. Come on people. This is what happens when a company has a monopoly. That is what Mci has on correctional calls. It takes them one day to take the money out of my account. Three days for the money to put on the account and more prepaid calls to go through. When you fax them information it take them 4 days to get the fax and fix the problem. I have never seen worse customer service with a company. You can not get any help. The allot of the representatives, not all of them, are snotty. They know we have no recourse but to deal with their company. I Hate Mci. I hope there is a special place in Hell for Mci executives.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Harriett with a face only a mother could love.

Originally uploaded by ravenslove.

Harriett came to me from a very abusive home. She didn't know how to love. Was afraid of everything. She would sit and stare down at the floor. When the phone would ring she would run in circles and bark. She was a weird little dog. I had her from when whe was four until she passed when she was sixteen years old. It was very hard to put her down. She was in a lot of pain and was having accidents. I tried to keep up with her medical conditions. I kept trying to make her better, it just didn't work. So I took her finally to be put down. My grandson Joey went with me. He was 5 at the time. After we were heading home. I hear this little voice in the back seat.
J: Nona?
me: Yes baby.
J: Did Harriett die?
Me crying: Yes baby Harriet's dead.
J: Nona, is Harriett with God?
me: Yes, Baby, Harriett's with God.
J: Nona, is Harriett with Winston? (my other pug who passed)
me: Yes, Harriett's with Winston.
J: Nona, is Winston dead?
me: yes baby Winston is dead
J: Nona, is Winston with God?
me: yes, baby Winston is with God
j: Nona, is Mugzy dead? (another mixed breed)
me: Yes baby Mugzy is dead.
J: Nona, is Mugzy with God?
me: Yes Mugzy is with God.
J: Nona, Does God love dead puppies?

Only a 5 year old could make me laugh on such a sad day. So maybe it's a face that not only a mother could love but also a Grandson.