Friday, November 25, 2005

Just another holiday.

Thanksgiving. Not the most important holiday in the big scheme of things, especially not since it symbolizes the near annihilation of a race. Yet, it's still a holiday. Another holiday that I am separated from the person I love most in this life and the next. We have been through many holidays. So, why is this year seeming to be so much harder? Maybe because I had gotten our hopes up in May. That he would be home before the year ended. Thanks to the Ohio Parole Board and their crazy ideas of justice, thats not going to happen. We had gotten our hopes up for visits. Thanks to the quitting case manager thats on hold. I was hoping to be able to at least see Raven before these holidays had passed.

The time is moving, quick but not quick enough. It's been 7 months since we got the bad news that Raven would have to do at least 26 months more. We are making it. We just miss each other so much. Holidays for me tend to be the worse. Thats when you should be surrounded by people you love.
Spending the day with your lover. Cuddled up watching football. Instead I spent it in bed not feeling well. Trying to sleep off and on. Talking with Raven on the phone.

Raven is an optimist, I don't know when that happened. Like he said we only have one more Thanksgiving apart. Just one. Then he will be home to me and Lupina.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Just a girls night out.

So I went out with some friends on Saturday night. C and J both gay males. K my straight friend.
Needless to say we had so much fun. We went to a gay club. The dancing was off the hook. I danced so hard my legs started to tremble. The atmosphere was dark, lots of people. Very open people willing to accept anyone who made it through the door. So I am sitting next to this very attractive woman. When she asks me to dance. Now everybody knows that women, straight or gay dance together all the time. Well someone forgot to tell my friends C and J. You would have thought the women was trying to ravish me right on the dance floor. The look on the guys faces was priceless. I laughed so hard when C danced over and did his best diva impression. Pretty much dragged me away from the lady. I even felt sorry for her. We were just dancing. Anyways

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Savin Me.

My baby sent me a song that made me cry:

Savin' Me
Lyrics - All The Right Reasons :.

Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees I’m crawlin’
Oh, I reach for you
Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I’m callin’
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m fallin’

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m fallin’
And all I see is you
These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I’m callin’
And all I need from you
Hurry I’m fallin’

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Hurry I’m fallin’

I will always say it's worth saving you! Since I love you more than life.

Friday, November 18, 2005

No Bright Shiny day today.

Originally uploaded by ravenslove.

Ok so I found out some things today. First is that Ross Correctional is getting a new warden. This could be good, or bad. I say to Raven. Then he tells me this guy came up through the ranks and is anti-criminal and pro-cop. Ok this is Bad, Very Bad. Any male officer who finds out that an ex corrections officer wants to visit her convict fiancee is going to be pissed. They seem to take it as a direct insult, when a female c/o falls in love with a convict. So if he finds out our situation there is no way that Raven and I will ever get to visit. The new warden starts January 1, 2006.
The next thing I found out is that the class that Raven needs to take is only available at one of the worse prisons in Ohio, Lebanon. The guys call it gladiator school. Not good. Also the class is 18 months long, from start to finish. Thats not including the waiting list time or the fact that the fucking class isn't available at Ross Correctional. See Raven comes up for parole again in May of 2007. 19 months away. 1 month to get him moved and in the class. Yea right and pigs can fly.
No bright shiny new day here.

I am ready for a bright shiny new day.

Originally uploaded by ravenslove.

I woke up today with the hopes that it would be bright and shiny. The sun is beautiful although the day is cold. cold to the tune of 23 degrees. What do I expect from Ohio. I spoke with my Baby today and he was very upbeat. He seems to think that visits will be right on schedule. I pray he is right. I will just have to trust the man I love. So the hope for visits is still there.

I was also informed that this year there will only be 3 pictures allowed. So that means I get one of the Posse and 2 of Raven. Yipee just what I want more pictures of guys who may or may not be our friends. I still have one with H. in it. You remember H. and the knife.

So what do I do with more pictures of men I am not interested. I want three pictures of the man I don't get to see. I want his smile. I am greedy I need all of him. When I told him that he said he needs one of the guys. So I guess I'll share. Ok I am ready for a bright shiny new day.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Another day in the asylum.

Raven and I have a plan. In case anything happens to him, he will have one of the posse call me and let me know something is wrong. Being in prison gives a whole new meaning to the words "something is wrong". The worse being injury or death, the least being thrown into the hole. I worked yesterday even though it was my day off. So I am sitting outside a restaurant when my phone rings. It's the MCI guy. Not just the MCI guy but the MCI guy on crack. Skipping things he is supposed to say. Long times of silence in between. This call originates_______from a correctional________________institution. I_________have___________________a collect call from Michael. To______________accept this call press__________0. I press 0 and he says, your_________________call is being_______________________________connected. Then the line goes dead. OH HELL NO! What's going on? Why would someone else call me unless Raven is hurt or in Seg. I am almost in tears. (I have a very active imagination.) Has he been stabbed? A fight? Oh shit Dead? Ok so I am a little dramatic as well.
The phone rings again. We go through the whole MCI on crack again, only this time the line stays on.
The first words out of his mouth are "Baby I am ok" Time to breathe again. He proceeds to tell me exactly how fucked up the phones are and that the guys can't use their pins. Everyone tried theirs until they found one guys pin who continued to work. Michael.

Raven and I slip into our normal conversations. I love you, Baby. I love you too. Then I tell him I made a call for one of the guys in his block. This guy's girl just had a baby and they are waiting for visit papers so T can see his new son. Well, when I tell Raven this. His voice gets strange and he says that reminds me. I have news. Do I want the good news or the bad news first. Well I am tired of bad news, but am going on the premise that anything that doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. So I tell him the bad news. He says "our case manager quit, and moved to North Carolina" So that immediately causes me to start crying, you see we have been trying to get visits for over 1 1/2 years. No one would give us the time of day. Except his case manager. She had a plan. I had convinced myself that we would not see each other till he came home in 2007. I wasn't happy, but I accepted it. Then came along The case manager. Bad enough I had to listen to my man talk about another women and say things like. She works really hard. She seems nice. All in answer to criticisms from me. Almost like he was defending her. I hate her most because she gave us hope. Had a plan that sounded feasible. We even thought we may have visits in time for Christmas. She gave us hope, told him the papers were in the out box ready to come to me. Ready to be sent back. Only to let them get dashed again. The papers never showed up. Now she is on her merry way to North Carolina. Yipee for her. BITCH.
In case anyone is wondering I did eventually ask what the good news was. Raven says he knows what to do. So the hope for visits isn't dead. It just got the shit kicked out of it. In the mean time my baby is poking. What's wrong honey? You don't sound like yourself. Are you ok? All this in two calls since the prison is on lock down. When it rains it pours.
You know I just don't want to go there yet. My hopes were so high for visits. I feel almost as sad that the bitch quit as when Raven got flopped. So yes there is a problem. That would be the reason I have been crying off and on for most of the day. It's just that I am tired of crying to Raven. He always says the right things, but I just don't want to stress him out anymore then he already is. So D. and I will talk and until then I am ready for a bright shiny new year. So for now, send the meds, and get the straight jacket. It's just another day in the asylum.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Don't ask unless you really want to know? AKA The Letter

I have been waiting for over a week for "THE LETTER" It came yesterday. It only took me two hours to realize this is information I probably didn't want to know. Some how the old adage what you don't know won't hurt you seems really comforting now. The problem is that, it's not always true. I knew some things about my man. Actually allot of things. They never matter because I love him unconditionally. The man who did the crimes that he is incarcerated for is no more. The man I love is still here. He is loving, comforting and trustworthy. Funny and sarcastic. Now sometimes the sarcastic gets me going, but on the whole I am almost as sarcastic as he is. So it's a nice fit. Since I am from the "right side of the tracks" I thought sometimes that he exaggerated when he told me some of the stories from his past. Stories of things that happened in his youth, with people from his past. I have always wondered if something would come up as he walked out of the gate. Something that would put him back in. Frequently I have nightmares of that very thing happening. Seeing the court house trial in my dreams. Hearing the judge sentence him to Life with out parole or worse, the death penalty. We have plans for a crime free life. Have a couple of young ones, one or two dogs, and living peacefully every after. Now my baby says I have nothing to worry about. No reason for the MAN to want him when he hits the gate. I believe him, but now that I have read the letter, I learned a lesson. Don't ask unless you really want to know?

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Deva and Maria

Deva and Maria
Originally uploaded by ravenslove.

I have written before about my best friend Deva and how she is the best friend anyone could have. So when I saw this I laughed so hard. I just had to put it here:

A true friend will....

Are you tired of all those namby, pamby, girly, sissy, completely wet "friendship" poems, that never come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1 . When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry b*****d who made you that way.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got 'some'.

4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.

6 . When you are confused - I will use small words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the h**l away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy self.

A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body...... so,
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Where do they think these guys have been? Disney Land

The Posse
Originally uploaded by ravenslove.
As most my friends know I am part of an online community called PTO (prison talk online). There I am almost invisible. I don't take it personally as most ex law enforcement are. On PTO there are people who have had their men come home. Only to fight with them and eventually leave. There are many times that the fault is totally the man's. Except that allot of times the fault is the woman's. Now this is almost never acceptable to say on PTO.

There was one lady in particular that upset both Raven and I. She went to PTO to garner sympathy. Told a horrible story about how her man face punched her. Of course she got all kinds of responses. How bad he is. How she should call the police and have him arrested.

Then came the question. She wanted to know if there was anyway to save the relationship. She then proceeded to tell the PTO forum that she had hit him first. In the face with a closed fist. Raven for the first time wanted to answer. We posted an intelligent answer. Never once did we say that he had a right to hit her. No one has a right to hit anyone. Especially if they are considering a permanent relationship. He told her to move out. Get counseling for them both. Anger management for them both. If she saw improvement then they could start working toward a relationship. Very sound advice. Now remember that she asked how to save the relationship. You would have thought that we posted that any man could beat the shit out of woman. That is not what Raven said. Raven has never and will never raise an angry hand toward the weaker sex. I explained to Raven that they didn't want to hear what we have to say on PTO. So he asked me to post it here.

So hear goes:
When a man is in prison, they strip them of everything. All belongings and most of their emotions are so messed up, they are scared. The fight flight syndrome is kicking in. It is a feeling they will learn to live with for as long as they are in prison. Men in prison never know what is around the corner. Who may want to hurt them. They can't trust other inmates. They sure can't trust the corrections officers. Once through the doors of the prison they have to fight. Fight to be a part of a group. Fight to prove they won't be a liability in a group issue. Fight to stop from being a bigger stronger inmate's bitch. In prison you don't let anyone touch you. Even an accidently brush as you walk by can be a sign of disrespect. That can't be allowed. So keep someone down for any length of time and you are getting a person who doesn't just let things slide. Letting things slide in prison gets you hurt, fucked or even killed. Now lets bring the men home. Put them with a woman who has no clue what they have been through. Now I am NOT saying that men should be allowed to hit a woman. Neither should a woman be allowed to hit a man. Now hit a man who is free and maybe they will let it slide and just leave. Back a man who has been in prison into a corner and hit them, it's a hole different story. That man is all of a sudden back in prison and being attacked. When they are attacked the fight flight syndrome kicks in. They think they are going to be killed. They don't stop to think that this is someone who supposedly loves me. Wow maybe I shouldn't hit them. They flash back. They strike and they strike hard. Men in prison don't fight to stop the fight. They fight to survive. When that woman hit her man. And I use the her man term loosely. He freaked. He had just been attacked so he fought to survive. He survived but their relationship did not. Now I am thinking that he is very sorry that this happened. Sorry that they are not a couple. But I need to ask, Was this all the man's fault. I don't think so. When a man strikes a women and she hits back. She is cheered as a hero. Finally fighting back. so why is this not the case here? Because the man is stronger. Well the only thing I want to ask this woman is "where do you think your man just spent the last 14 years, Disneyland?"

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The call, the worry, the letter

Six days, Six days after the phone call and still no letter. Wondering if my man really trusts that I wouldn't do anything to hurt him. In our last episode I asked Raven to write a letter explaining why he felt the need to go behind my back to his mother and get information. We all know that I would have asked more questions. It's my job as his Shiaa to make sure that nothing stupid happens. Now according to his mother there may be something stupid hanging out there. After 11 years something may come up and bite us in the ass. I had asked Raven to send it out the day after. That would have been Nov. 4th. We are now at Nov. 9 and still no letter. So do we think it's an honest error. Not mailed out in time. Someone put it in the wrong box. Or could it be that Raven is scared. Scared that what ever the issue is in the letter, that I won't think the same way about him. Won't stand by him. Won't love him. As strong as my Shika is there are times when a scared little boy just asks. "Are you going to leave me now?" "Will you still love me?" Now the answers to those questions are I could never leave him and I will always love him with all my heart and soul. No matter what happened in the past I will always be his.
Now he doesn't ask if I am hurt that he didn't do what I asked. Please baby, write what's going on and let me know. Ok I'll do it tomorrow. No baby please do it today and send it out so I won't be worried about you any longer then I have to be. Ok. Promise? Yes, baby I'll send it out tomorrow. So I waited and checked the mail. No letter. Raven said that it didn't make it into the mail till later. So I waited again, no mail. I always want to believe my baby. No body wants to believe that their men aren't telling you the whole truth. We had a conversation this morning. It was a little heated, not horrible, just heated. He swear that the letter went out. He also said that he rewrote the letter and put it in the box today. Now that means I should have the letter on Friday the 11th. So I am in a dilemma. I love my man and have never been good at calling people on things. I would much more prefer to let things slide. Yet Raven is the one who always says we need to be completely honest with one another. Do I let him know that I think he never mailed out the first one. If I let that out, then do I have to acknowledge that the man who can't tell the parole board what they want to hear. Because it would cause him to lie. Would be able to tell me what he thinks I want to know. Now the worry is. Is he hiding it from me to protect me or to protect himself. I don't know. I guess I will just wait till the letter gets here. If the letter gets here.

Friday, November 04, 2005

My new job!

After almost a year of working for a company that will swindle the customers, their employees and their supervisors out of anything they can get away with, I am now working at a company were your go out to eat with the bosses. They get cakes for people's birthdays. The give Christmas bonuses. This all comes with a change in focus. My old job, I had to lie to get the customers to stay with the service. Now I hate to lie. Unfortunately I have a dog who likes to eat. This means you check your morals at the door and leave them there till you head home at night. With this new job, I get to help the customer, what a novel idea. We are the authorized resellers for over 85,000 online vendors. That means sometimes people hit the button twice and end up with two charges. The package didn't get there or the download didn't work. At that point they call us. We then email the vendor and let them know what the customer needs. We give them 48 hours to fix it or we follow up. I have been thanked in an email three times already. It's a little shocking to my system to get a thank you from a customer. Maybe I better get use to it. My boss knows I am here for the duration. He also knows I want to move up. Now at my old job, you got the run around on how to move up. This job the boss is already offering to work with me and get me the books necessary to pass the tests. That's another thing you actually pass a test to move up. Go figure, it's not based on who you know, but on your knowledge and skill. Everyone is very friendly and willing to go the extra mile to help. At my old job you had an average 165 calls per day. Here you need 11 contacts an hour. Somedays that is very easy to reach other times since I am on nights its a stretch. But either way no more sheep and I am happy.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

The call, the worry

Late at night I get a call from Ravens mother. She tells me in a very cryptic voice to tell my man not to write to his uncle and ask him to do a favor for him. When I ask why? She tells me to tell Raven because his uncle is now a snitch and that he would rat him out. Rat him out! What the hell could he rat him out for. Now as most of you already know, my baby has been incarcerated since 1995. What the hell could be out there for that long?
So when Raven calls for his nightly call I ask "Hey baby what's up" Then proceed to tell him what his mother said. How I am worried. What would cause him to go behind my back, to find out information from his mother. He knows I have his uncle's address and that I have been in contact with him for a letter supporting parole. Needless to say the discussion was on. I asked him what was the reason he needed to be in contact with his uncle. He hasn't been in contact for 11 years so why now? He tells me that some information has gotten back to him from his hometown. His name has come up in connection with "something". Now in prison lingo, "Something" is never good. Now I am in a full blown freak out. It's the new Cree inquisition. What, why how, when? Now not much can be said on a recorded line. For those that don't know all phone calls from prison are over a recorded line. So you never know when they are listening to every word you say. So I ask him to write me with all the information. He says he will either today or tomorrow. Wait a minute. " Baby, Please promise me you will write it tonight and have it in the mail tomorrow." I say. Raven asks wouldn't you rather have something to read on Saturday, I could write it today or tomorrow and you would have it by then. "Oh no, I want you to promise that you will write it tonight and mail it in the morning. Please I don't ask for much" I most definitely want it as soon as possible. "ok, I promise to write it today and mail it tomorrow" He says. Ok that satisfies me for now. The MCI guy comes on and the phone call is over, our 15 minutes is up.
Later in the evening, I am sitting at work trying to think and not succeeding. We, those of us involved with convicts, have all read horror stories about men getting ready to get out. Basically hitting the gate and having some kind of hold on them from another county or state. A pending case that has to be tried. So while they are suppose to be coming home, they get held at some new institution waiting the trial. Or maybe even worse coming home for a week or two and having to go back. What could it be. Are the statute of limitations up? How involved, if any is he? Ok now I just have to wait till I speak with him again. The next call comes on my lunch hour at work. So all within the bounds of a recorded line I am trying to find out why my man feels it necessary to go behind my back to find out this information. Now I know by his voice, when I offer to contact the people he wants to contact, that it will be a cold day in hell before I ever talk with any of them. Which leads me to believe that he shouldn't be contacting them either. Sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. When I press him further for why he went to his mom with out letting me know. He said he didn't want me to worry. The last time he did something like this was almost a year ago. I was in California and he was in the hole. Now supposedly I didn't know he was in the hole. But as my best friend will tell you I knew. Almost to the hour he was taken to the hole, I knew. Yet I was getting letters over thanksgiving that said. Life is fine, nothing new here, blah, blah, blah. Men! Lets try and not make the woman worry so what happens. We worry, more then if we had just been informed of the situation in the first place. So the long and the short of the story is. If he would have just told me what's going on before going to the drama queen. On a side note can I just say the she loves to cause drama between Raven and I. She is always telling me things that she thinks will cause issues. Issues that may cause trouble. They never cause serious issues. Raven and I communicate when things like this come up. The only thing is. What else could he be hiding from me. I have found out twice that he will "protect" me from worrying. What else is he "protecting" me from. I would rather just know from him. Had he told me first I would have worried, but not as much as I worry now. So now I just await "The letter".

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Yipee, No more sheep

I started a new job on Monday. Straight customer service, no more trying to save a customers account. No more blowing smoke up sheep's buts. I get to help customers, what a novel idea. I now work for an authorized reseller for over 85,000 vendors online. In other words when you buy things over the internet and then you click the button to check out you are most likely being redirected to an authorized reseller site. They are the ones that take your payment information and let the vendor know how and were to ship the merchandise. Now when people call they are asking were their package is and how long it will take to get there. I then email the vendor and the customer letting both know what's going on. It's really great to have customers thank you and know that you didn't just have to lie to them to make your paycheck larger. My pay doesn't depend on what the customer does. Only on the amount of hours I work and the job I do. Wow no more sheep.