Thursday, June 30, 2005

Hearing my name

Now most of you who read this blog know that Raven and I are not allowed to have a physical relationship, hell we aren't even allowed to see each other. So we have been known to indulge in verbal seduction every Sunday as a matter of fact. My baby has a voice that would make Marvin gay and James brown jealous. I love our Super Sex Sundays. While I get more from Ravens voice then I have ever gotten from my ex husband, I have often wondered what Raven could possibly get from hearing me.
Since he is usually on a phone in a very populated area. Needless to say I thought there is no way he could enjoy it as much as I do. Then it happened. This last Sunday my sexy man was even better then usual. During a intense moment he called my name, Oh My God, I came so hard I thought I would stop breathing. So maybe he does get a little more out of it then I thought. Alright then I don't feel so bad when I hit that third orgasm.

Monday, June 27, 2005

The other side of the family.

Raven decided on the title of this entry, I am not sure he is going to be happy with the contents. As much as I love Raven I don't know how to take his family. His mother came to Ohio on Wednesday of last week and stayed till Sunday. While I like her for her straightforward attitude and speech; some of the things she says are a little off putting. First off when they first arrived it was Mom, Aunt and a nephew B. Now B being a kid who was in the car for hours was a little rambunctious,
When I asked him not to jump on the furniture, Mom came over and screamed "You better Fucking listen or I will beat your ass." Now considering my mother would not say shit with a mouth full, my roommate and I were pretty shocked. Now as you know I swear pretty regularly but I wouldn't think of swearing at or infront of a child. That was the first in a long line of things that had me thinking. During the time Mom and I spent together she proceeded to tell me how she broke Raven's nose and punctured his ear drum. Said she broke his older brothers nose also. I don't understand hitting a child with that kind of force. But I guess thats just me. She spoke of doing drugs with her sons and giving them their first tattoos when they were 12. Now I have done a lot of things with my parent, drugs and tattoos never came up on the list of family outings.
I took her to a neighboring city to hook her up with Aunt for the ride home to FL.
On that little excursion I met others of the family. KS who Raven considers a sister, C who is Raven's bestfriend/brother's widow, and a beautiful 4 year old girl. After taking some pictures to send to Raven we were sitting around the kitchen table talking when they all lit up a little weed. Ok now considering I am ex law inforcement, I don't indulge, nor do I really care if they do, But I am a little concerned about smoking in front of a 4 year old, or for that matter any child. I know that a lot of children try drugs, I have tried them myself. I always knew they were wrong. When children don't know they are wrong there is no benefit to stopping. If the adults in their life do drugs, chances are they will continue to do drugs till they are cought. While the family wasn't horrible to talk with, in fact they were pretty nice, at least most of them. The problem comes along when the children brought up with drugs and violence hit adult hood they usually are continueing to do drugs and to be violent. They don't know that it is wrong. When grown ups don't know drugs and violence is wrong they end up, addicted, dead or in prison. None of which is the way Raven and I want our children to end up. I believe we will break the cycle this generation. Raven has promised not to go back to drugs and I don't believe he would ever hit our children, he has a gentle soul. So maybe it will end with us. Except he does have a brother that continues to drink and do drugs. So maybe it will continue one more generation.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

It's been a long time

Since I went to an exercise class. The class was a bunch of different types of people. Old, young, fat and skinny. A nice mix of people. This class is weights, low weight and high reps. With music from the 80's. Have I said I am sick of 80's music. I have a roommate that plays nothing but 80's and show tunes. The class seemed pretty good, working all body parts, hard but not to hard. I was able to get through all of the exercises. Some were not able, a couple looked bored like it wasn't hard enough. I feel like Goldie Locks for me it was just right. I was feeling pretty good. Then I attempted to walk up the stairs to my apartment, Oh my God, I didn't think I would make it. My legs were quivering. So I guess it really was a good class.
I can't wait till next week to do it all over again.

Friday, June 17, 2005

one more thing

Today I received a call from one of my good friends who just so happens to be my sister-in-law. She informed me that my mother in law had passed. This woman was another mother to me for 21 years. Needless to say we were all shocked at her passing. The idea that she died alone, is very upsetting to both C and I as well.
That is bad enough now the drama starts. Most know that I am going through a bitter divorce from my husband, J. So now I wondered do I get to go pay my respects to a woman I loved for so long. I will have to put up with crap from J.
Now when I run into a dilemma there are two people who's opinion I value above all else. Raven, who weighed in with a hell no he doesn't want me going any were near J. Basically since the last time I was in the vicinity of J he hit me and I ended up fighting with him. So Raven said we should celebrate her life and her passing to be with Dad. He also told me how to perform a ceremony honoring her and her memories. Next I spoke with D in California who agreed with Raven and also added that J should be allowed to grieve with out worrying about a soon to be ex wife.
While I would also like to visit with the boys and the grand kids I am deferring to the two smartest people in my life. I will hold the ceremony, remember and honor mom in my own way. Bye mom, I love you. Say Hi to dad.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Been gone mentally

I know I haven't written in my blog for a while. Frankly, I just can't think of anything to write. The disappointment of the parole board has basically taken all the creativity out of my life for the moment. So today I am just going to write what ever comes out of my fingertips. Unfortunately I don't think it will be very cheerful or even entertaining. I have been overcome with the thoughts of depression so much lately that I was thinking of getting back on my medication. I don't like the medication because even though the lows aren't as low. The highs aren't that high either. I just sort of exist. I do like my highs, those times when it seems all is right with the world and with life. I can even manage my lows, with the help of Raven and the new sales queen in town, D. Today, no Raven. After paying phones bills in the thousands, MCI blocked the phone because it reached $400. Big deal, when that happens I take it as we have been cutting down. I guess it's all relative. So for today, anyway no calls from Raven. Left a call for his case manager to speak with her about visitation. Think she could call me back, oh hell no. That would be showing me some respect, so you know thats not gonna happen. As long as I am bitching can I just say that I have only gotten one letter from Raven since his parole hearing. Now I know it hit him as hard if not harder that he wasn't coming home this year, but come on. One letter in almost 4 weeks? Thats just crazy! So between no mail, no calls and a fucking case manager who can't be bothered, today has not been one of the best. But I did promise my self this morning that I would write. So here is what I came up with. Hope no one was disappointed. Ok so I am apparently not yet here mentally all the way.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

The reason

Today is a little tough. Last night Raven and I had a conversation that was mentally one of the hardest conversations we have ever had. I was argumentative and harsh. He was short and angry. Neither of us were even rude to each other. Yet the way our phone calls normally are, we were both unerved by the call and the outcome. Last night was the first time we truly talked about the crimes he has comitted and the crimes he was accused of. Not necessarly the same crimes. Sometime during the talk Raven said to me "Just when did you stop believing in me." That hurt. I told him I did believe in him and that I was just trying to understand why the board flopped him for two years. I was trying to make him realize that what the woman told him may not be the truth. Raven puts a lot of value on truth, it's one of the things I love most about him. Unfortunately not everyone is the same. I don't believe the Parole board when they say if he takes the class they will let him out in two years. I think they are waiting to hear something that is not true. They are waiting to hear what happened during the crime. The crime that Raven did not commit. When asked at the parole board Raven told the truth. The Parole Hearing officer said she understood what he was saying.
Told him that she would guarentee that he would get 60 days and out the next time he came up for parole, if he took a class and stayed out of trouble for the next two years. Now I have spoken with people who say she cannot guarentee what will happen in two years. She may not even be here. Not only that but there were a number of errors in the parole decision that lead to more time, at least two months that should not have been added on. This parole hearing officer also promised to help Raven get the class he needs. Again how much should we trust this person?
I don't know. If we can't trust her on that how can we trust her on the issue of parole. So to cut to the chase Raven and I have been under so much stress, we have been taking it out on each other. So this is my blog to say "Babyboy I am sorry."
And that is the reason.