Ravens friend and the knife
Raven and H have been cellie's since Oct 2004. They watch each other's back and break bread with each other everyday. In prison it's something to say you trust someone to that extent. I have known about H since Raven got to his institution. We have sent birthday cards and Christmas cards to each other. I sent Raven, H and Ch, another friend calendars for Christmas in our names (Raven and I). Have spoken to H on the phone for different reasons. When H got a picture of himself and Divet, a dog in the prison program, he wanted a copy made and sent to his mom. I got the picture enlarged and framed and sent it in H's name to his mom. All to help my man out. You see in prison the wife is an extension of the man incarcerated. I wanted people to know that they could count on Raven and I, as long as they watched my man's back. This is all leading up to the fact that I felt H could be trusted. When Raven told me that H made parole, I was very happy for him. I could only be happier if it were my man who had made it. We talked about how H would get home, his mom is disabled and could not come and get him. We waited to see if his brother or sister in law could come get him. In the mean time Raven and I spoke about dress outs. Clothes that you wear leaving the prison. You see convicts believe that you should leave most of your belongings in prison for the other guys. You only take out letters and personal things. It's bad luck to take out items that could be left to help the guys still in. H didn't have anyone to get him dress outs. I told Raven I would get him an outfit. He got Levi's and a black shirt, and I gave up a black bandana because it was a special request. When it came down to H would have to ride the bus home. I volunteered to pick him up and give him a ride to his mom's. Now let me say if Raven thought there was any problem with picking H up, he would have said not to. So it was decided I would pick him up 4/18/05 at 7:30 am.
On the 18th I arrived at the prison at about 6:45 am. I didn't want to be late on H first day of freedom. I pulled on the grounds of the institution that not only keeps the man I love locked up, but also won't let me see him. Needless to say It was very emotional. I was looking at the prison thinking how bleak and drab it looked. It warehouses human beings. The worst part of that thought was that it warehoused thee most important person in my life. Raven. I was just looking and thinking about his life, wondering which building was his. Where he went to rec, chow or medical call. If one of the windows I could see was his. Just sitting there thinking. Missing him so bad, I started crying and couldn't stop. That is of course when he called. We spoke for the required 15 minute period. Him saying all the right things, me just sobbing quietly. He told me it would be alright, that our time is coming. I told him I loved him and it would be ok. The one thing that is hardest for Raven to take is when I cry. So I tried to suck it up and be cheerful. Told him I would talk to him after H got out. Told him how much I love him and how I would always be here for him.
So the whole object for this day was to pick up H a man who has been in and out of prison for the last 17 years. More in then out. I went inside the prison to ask how the procedure went. A very nice female c/o told me that they would let him out around 9:00 am., We (the families) were not allowed to talk to the inmate until they crossed an imaginary line in the concrete. She asked what I drove so I told her. They would tell the inmate to look for the car. Now if you have been down for 5 years and the car came out 3 years ago, how are these men supposed to know what to look for. Just crazy. Also, what happens if you cross that line. Do they take the men back in and keep them for more time? I just decided to wait farther back in the parking lot for H. Then at 9:45 am they started letting the men out. First came a guy who was in for 18 years, his uncle and brother were here to pick him up. Then came a guy who was down for even more time, his brother and nephew were waiting to take him to a big family reunion. Then came H looking pretty happy to be out. I called his name and waved. He smiled back. I gave him the clothes I had brought. He changed in the parking lot. He had a check they had given him. So first we were going to a bank. How do you cash a check with no ID. If your a convict you use a release paper. Check cashed so far, so good. H was being quite, but nice. I got lost and we ended up about an hour farther then we should have been. We saw an outlet shopping mall, H asked what it was, so I told him we could stop and check it out. H decided he wanted to look for shoes and shades. We also looked at a Big dog shop. Now for those of you who don't know that shop has t shirts, dresses, dog collars and leashes, a little of everything. The first thing that started going wrong was when H tried to touch my breasts while holding up a shirt in front of me trying to see if it would fit. Now I just moved out of the way and told him I didn't want him to buy me anything. That particular incident led to him trying a few other things. All of which I dodged. Now I was starting to get a little worried. Raven called and asked to speak to H. The joke was Raven told H get your hands off my woman. Little did he know how close that had come to. So we got back into my car to head to his mom's. Now it started. All of sudden H is telling me things about Raven, that I know are not true. He says "the kid" only wants me for my bike, for my money. when we met he was looking for someone to take care of him. How Raven and I don't have a "real" relationship. Complaining about my mans cleaning habits and how he is a slob. All of this for my own good since we (H and I) are friends. I am thinking even if Raven were using me wouldn't H first loyalty be to his cellie who he has lived with. That alone is enough reason to know that H is lying. Now H says he has to piss. So we stop at a steak and shake. Use the bathroom and get a bite to eat. He is trying to feed me. All the time making insidious comments about Raven. " The kid is younger when he gets out he will find the first young sexy thing that looks his way and leave you." H said to me. Then he reaches out and tries to touch my eye brow ring. "Why did you do that mid life crises" More shit. Now I can't really say anything I want to because I am stuck in a car with this asshole. Raven and I trusted him. Now I am not sure what he would do if I started telling him exactly what I think of him. I just wanted to get him to his mothers ASAP. A really smart person told me later that I should have sent him in to a store for a pack and taken off. Leaving him by the side of the road. Only I am not like that. Now I am thinking of his mother and how she would like having to find a ride from nowhere to pick him up. So I resolve to just gut it out. Then he says to me "we could go have some fun before we get to my moms" in that slimy way some guys talk. I asked him what he meant by that. He just said you know. Now I am fully pissed so I say to him " I am not going to fuck you H." The son of a bitch has the nerve to look innocent and say I never said anything like that. All the while trying to touch me. I finally said touch me again and your going home with a broken arm. He laughed and said he would just have to roll me around in the grass to prove I wasn't that tuff. Ok now I am freaking out this guy is a fucking idiot.
My dog is in the car and I can't figure out how to get were we need to go so I can be rid of him. All the time Raven would call and speak with me and H.
Raven must have asked 6 times if I was ok. He said I was sounding quite. What was I going to say to him at that time. Nothing just that I love him and would talk with him that night after 6 pm.
After what seemed like forever H and I pulled up at his mothers house. I went in to get a bowl of water for Lupina who had been with us the whole time.
When I met his mom she asked if I had sent the picture of H and Divot. I said yes. Then she asked me when my brother gets out of prison. I said who?
She said you know H cellie. aren't you H cellie's sister. I said No I am his wife. So H had been telling everybody that I was Raven's sister and that H and I may be becoming a couple. Oh Hell no. I was so ready to get out of there. Lupina and I started heading for the door. H asked me to stay and I said no. When Lupina and I were back in the car and on the way home. I started to cry again. Only this was worse. Not only was the man I love and trust with all my heart in that awful place but the cellie he trusted just put the knife in his back. I cried, not because I believed anything H said. But because this slime was who my man had to count on as a friend. I cried because my love didn't have his own version of D. A friend who would never betray him, never bad mouth him, someone who would be beside him come hell or high water. I was still crying when my D called. Between sobs I told her what happened. She was furious called H all the right names and said all the right things. If Raven only wanted my bike, why would he call my house 12 times in one day just to hear my voice on the answering machine when he knew I wasn't home. Why would he get angry when I send him money. I already knew those things but it was nice hearing them all over again. I was finally able to stop crying when D said that Raven would be ok as long as he had her and I. So see Raven may not realize it but he does have two people who are here for him no matter what. Me and the best friend someone could have D. Then came a whole new issue. What to tell Raven?
Since Raven and I don't keep secrets, I knew I had to tell him. How to start? I started with "Baby, I love you, you and I are fine" Then I asked him if he had set H up to test me. I have heard of that kind of thing happening. He thought I was joking so he said "why did you fail?" Not the right thing at the right time. I asked him to just answer the question.
He knew by the sound of my voice things were not good. I told him everything that happened. Now usually I can read Raven pretty well. I couldn't tell how he was feeling. He had his feelings masked. I know he was shocked and in disbelief. How could his friend stab him in the back like that. We talked back and forth about H for two 15 minute calls. On the second one I finally said "Baby if I had any doubt about us or you, you would be sitting in your cell alone with no one on the outside waiting for you. That is what H wanted, do you understand that?" I think it finally sunk in then. After the last call of the night. H called me, wanted to know if I got home safe and if the kid had called. Why didn't I call him and let him know I was safe. I told him that yes my man had called and it was not his responsibility to make sure I got home safe. I told him that I was blocking his number and not to call here again. He was surprised, asked how I could treat Raven's friend like this. I told him that he had stuck the knife in as far as he was allowed. Now it was my job to pull it out and help Raven heal. I hung up. D called for our nightly call. I was just to tired, told her I was always grateful that she was my friend, but I was ready for a bright shiny new day.
We hung up and I cried myself to sleep.
On the 18th I arrived at the prison at about 6:45 am. I didn't want to be late on H first day of freedom. I pulled on the grounds of the institution that not only keeps the man I love locked up, but also won't let me see him. Needless to say It was very emotional. I was looking at the prison thinking how bleak and drab it looked. It warehouses human beings. The worst part of that thought was that it warehoused thee most important person in my life. Raven. I was just looking and thinking about his life, wondering which building was his. Where he went to rec, chow or medical call. If one of the windows I could see was his. Just sitting there thinking. Missing him so bad, I started crying and couldn't stop. That is of course when he called. We spoke for the required 15 minute period. Him saying all the right things, me just sobbing quietly. He told me it would be alright, that our time is coming. I told him I loved him and it would be ok. The one thing that is hardest for Raven to take is when I cry. So I tried to suck it up and be cheerful. Told him I would talk to him after H got out. Told him how much I love him and how I would always be here for him.
So the whole object for this day was to pick up H a man who has been in and out of prison for the last 17 years. More in then out. I went inside the prison to ask how the procedure went. A very nice female c/o told me that they would let him out around 9:00 am., We (the families) were not allowed to talk to the inmate until they crossed an imaginary line in the concrete. She asked what I drove so I told her. They would tell the inmate to look for the car. Now if you have been down for 5 years and the car came out 3 years ago, how are these men supposed to know what to look for. Just crazy. Also, what happens if you cross that line. Do they take the men back in and keep them for more time? I just decided to wait farther back in the parking lot for H. Then at 9:45 am they started letting the men out. First came a guy who was in for 18 years, his uncle and brother were here to pick him up. Then came a guy who was down for even more time, his brother and nephew were waiting to take him to a big family reunion. Then came H looking pretty happy to be out. I called his name and waved. He smiled back. I gave him the clothes I had brought. He changed in the parking lot. He had a check they had given him. So first we were going to a bank. How do you cash a check with no ID. If your a convict you use a release paper. Check cashed so far, so good. H was being quite, but nice. I got lost and we ended up about an hour farther then we should have been. We saw an outlet shopping mall, H asked what it was, so I told him we could stop and check it out. H decided he wanted to look for shoes and shades. We also looked at a Big dog shop. Now for those of you who don't know that shop has t shirts, dresses, dog collars and leashes, a little of everything. The first thing that started going wrong was when H tried to touch my breasts while holding up a shirt in front of me trying to see if it would fit. Now I just moved out of the way and told him I didn't want him to buy me anything. That particular incident led to him trying a few other things. All of which I dodged. Now I was starting to get a little worried. Raven called and asked to speak to H. The joke was Raven told H get your hands off my woman. Little did he know how close that had come to. So we got back into my car to head to his mom's. Now it started. All of sudden H is telling me things about Raven, that I know are not true. He says "the kid" only wants me for my bike, for my money. when we met he was looking for someone to take care of him. How Raven and I don't have a "real" relationship. Complaining about my mans cleaning habits and how he is a slob. All of this for my own good since we (H and I) are friends. I am thinking even if Raven were using me wouldn't H first loyalty be to his cellie who he has lived with. That alone is enough reason to know that H is lying. Now H says he has to piss. So we stop at a steak and shake. Use the bathroom and get a bite to eat. He is trying to feed me. All the time making insidious comments about Raven. " The kid is younger when he gets out he will find the first young sexy thing that looks his way and leave you." H said to me. Then he reaches out and tries to touch my eye brow ring. "Why did you do that mid life crises" More shit. Now I can't really say anything I want to because I am stuck in a car with this asshole. Raven and I trusted him. Now I am not sure what he would do if I started telling him exactly what I think of him. I just wanted to get him to his mothers ASAP. A really smart person told me later that I should have sent him in to a store for a pack and taken off. Leaving him by the side of the road. Only I am not like that. Now I am thinking of his mother and how she would like having to find a ride from nowhere to pick him up. So I resolve to just gut it out. Then he says to me "we could go have some fun before we get to my moms" in that slimy way some guys talk. I asked him what he meant by that. He just said you know. Now I am fully pissed so I say to him " I am not going to fuck you H." The son of a bitch has the nerve to look innocent and say I never said anything like that. All the while trying to touch me. I finally said touch me again and your going home with a broken arm. He laughed and said he would just have to roll me around in the grass to prove I wasn't that tuff. Ok now I am freaking out this guy is a fucking idiot.
My dog is in the car and I can't figure out how to get were we need to go so I can be rid of him. All the time Raven would call and speak with me and H.
Raven must have asked 6 times if I was ok. He said I was sounding quite. What was I going to say to him at that time. Nothing just that I love him and would talk with him that night after 6 pm.
After what seemed like forever H and I pulled up at his mothers house. I went in to get a bowl of water for Lupina who had been with us the whole time.
When I met his mom she asked if I had sent the picture of H and Divot. I said yes. Then she asked me when my brother gets out of prison. I said who?
She said you know H cellie. aren't you H cellie's sister. I said No I am his wife. So H had been telling everybody that I was Raven's sister and that H and I may be becoming a couple. Oh Hell no. I was so ready to get out of there. Lupina and I started heading for the door. H asked me to stay and I said no. When Lupina and I were back in the car and on the way home. I started to cry again. Only this was worse. Not only was the man I love and trust with all my heart in that awful place but the cellie he trusted just put the knife in his back. I cried, not because I believed anything H said. But because this slime was who my man had to count on as a friend. I cried because my love didn't have his own version of D. A friend who would never betray him, never bad mouth him, someone who would be beside him come hell or high water. I was still crying when my D called. Between sobs I told her what happened. She was furious called H all the right names and said all the right things. If Raven only wanted my bike, why would he call my house 12 times in one day just to hear my voice on the answering machine when he knew I wasn't home. Why would he get angry when I send him money. I already knew those things but it was nice hearing them all over again. I was finally able to stop crying when D said that Raven would be ok as long as he had her and I. So see Raven may not realize it but he does have two people who are here for him no matter what. Me and the best friend someone could have D. Then came a whole new issue. What to tell Raven?
Since Raven and I don't keep secrets, I knew I had to tell him. How to start? I started with "Baby, I love you, you and I are fine" Then I asked him if he had set H up to test me. I have heard of that kind of thing happening. He thought I was joking so he said "why did you fail?" Not the right thing at the right time. I asked him to just answer the question.
He knew by the sound of my voice things were not good. I told him everything that happened. Now usually I can read Raven pretty well. I couldn't tell how he was feeling. He had his feelings masked. I know he was shocked and in disbelief. How could his friend stab him in the back like that. We talked back and forth about H for two 15 minute calls. On the second one I finally said "Baby if I had any doubt about us or you, you would be sitting in your cell alone with no one on the outside waiting for you. That is what H wanted, do you understand that?" I think it finally sunk in then. After the last call of the night. H called me, wanted to know if I got home safe and if the kid had called. Why didn't I call him and let him know I was safe. I told him that yes my man had called and it was not his responsibility to make sure I got home safe. I told him that I was blocking his number and not to call here again. He was surprised, asked how I could treat Raven's friend like this. I told him that he had stuck the knife in as far as he was allowed. Now it was my job to pull it out and help Raven heal. I hung up. D called for our nightly call. I was just to tired, told her I was always grateful that she was my friend, but I was ready for a bright shiny new day.
We hung up and I cried myself to sleep.
posted by Ravenslove at 2:41 PM
1 Comments:
Ugh. So glad that's officially in the past.
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