no substitute will do.
Today I miss Raven. Now I know I say that often, but I have been having some interactions with a very nice guy we will call J.
J. has been very interested in me since I moved to my apartment in Oct of 2004. He is the supervisor of maintenance for the apartment complex. I thought I have been pretty obvious about my love for Raven. Have even taken phone calls when J is around fixing things in the apartment. I have Raven's pictures up on the refrigerator and also all over in my bedroom. Now I know some of you are wondering what is J doing in my bedroom. Well I had a problem in the bathroom that is off my bedroom and J had to come and fix it. Anyway there is no shortage of Raven pictures in my house.
Back to my first statement. Some times I miss Raven so bad I can barely breathe, just when I think it may get easier to be in love with a convict. BANG, the feeling hits you like a brick between the eyes. Today it was a whole house not just a brick. My baby sent me pictures. Pictures of him taken in the institution. Now in case anyone forgot I have not seen my man for almost a year. Poor guy, he thought I would be very happy with the pictures. Instead I cried; in fact I cried most of the day. Yes I am happy with the pictures. I love him so much. It is wonderful having new pictures to look at. Except, today they made me want to touch him with so much need that I hurt. Sometimes it feels like we will never be in each others arms again. That is the way I feel today. Scared that we won't be able to see each other till he is out. However long that may be.
Ok hop forward to J again. About a week ago he showed up at my apartment with Corona and Sushi my two favorite foods. We ate sushi and had a couple beers and he went home nothing happened. So today while I am feeling totally, touch deprived. J hugs me and tries to kiss me. Now I dodge the kiss and ask him WTF. He knows I am with my man and knows we are just friends. He apologizes and says it will never happen again. BUT, just for one moment I wanted him to hold me, to kiss me. I wanted to be touched. Touched for the first time in almost a year. Since the last time Raven put his arms around me and kissed me. I can't even remember how long it's been since more then that has happened. I realized after I got home that no one except Raven can fill that void I feel. Letting my self be hugged or kissed by another man, won't fill the gap in my heart. So now I just try to shake a guilty feeling I have. Guilty for wanting it even for a moment from a man that isn't my soul mate. I was trying to figure out how you could want to hold someone other than the man you love with all your being. Then D the touchstone in all my wild and crazy life tells me that it is just a human reaction to being bereft of the man you love for so long. I believe her. Besides the void in my heart? It's Apache shaped with black hair and sexy brown eyes, that only one man can fill. It took a near miss to realize no substitute will do.
J. has been very interested in me since I moved to my apartment in Oct of 2004. He is the supervisor of maintenance for the apartment complex. I thought I have been pretty obvious about my love for Raven. Have even taken phone calls when J is around fixing things in the apartment. I have Raven's pictures up on the refrigerator and also all over in my bedroom. Now I know some of you are wondering what is J doing in my bedroom. Well I had a problem in the bathroom that is off my bedroom and J had to come and fix it. Anyway there is no shortage of Raven pictures in my house.
Back to my first statement. Some times I miss Raven so bad I can barely breathe, just when I think it may get easier to be in love with a convict. BANG, the feeling hits you like a brick between the eyes. Today it was a whole house not just a brick. My baby sent me pictures. Pictures of him taken in the institution. Now in case anyone forgot I have not seen my man for almost a year. Poor guy, he thought I would be very happy with the pictures. Instead I cried; in fact I cried most of the day. Yes I am happy with the pictures. I love him so much. It is wonderful having new pictures to look at. Except, today they made me want to touch him with so much need that I hurt. Sometimes it feels like we will never be in each others arms again. That is the way I feel today. Scared that we won't be able to see each other till he is out. However long that may be.
Ok hop forward to J again. About a week ago he showed up at my apartment with Corona and Sushi my two favorite foods. We ate sushi and had a couple beers and he went home nothing happened. So today while I am feeling totally, touch deprived. J hugs me and tries to kiss me. Now I dodge the kiss and ask him WTF. He knows I am with my man and knows we are just friends. He apologizes and says it will never happen again. BUT, just for one moment I wanted him to hold me, to kiss me. I wanted to be touched. Touched for the first time in almost a year. Since the last time Raven put his arms around me and kissed me. I can't even remember how long it's been since more then that has happened. I realized after I got home that no one except Raven can fill that void I feel. Letting my self be hugged or kissed by another man, won't fill the gap in my heart. So now I just try to shake a guilty feeling I have. Guilty for wanting it even for a moment from a man that isn't my soul mate. I was trying to figure out how you could want to hold someone other than the man you love with all your being. Then D the touchstone in all my wild and crazy life tells me that it is just a human reaction to being bereft of the man you love for so long. I believe her. Besides the void in my heart? It's Apache shaped with black hair and sexy brown eyes, that only one man can fill. It took a near miss to realize no substitute will do.
posted by Ravenslove at 11:40 PM
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