A different sort of Valentine's day

So today is supposed to be a day for lovers. Not today for me. Today I went to the lawyers. You see, after 21 years with the same man I am getting a divorce. There I said it. Today, Valentines day 2005, I signed the papers starting the process to end my union with a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I was 19 when I met Jerry. He was everything I thought I wanted. Older, settled working in a field that I was training for. He had a good sense of humor and a bad boy reputation. We met in a police car, I was riding, as part of my training with a friend of mine. He was driving his cruiser on shift. We did what police officers have been doing for years. Called to see if he wanted to grab a coffee. We told him "we'll buy if you fly" So off he went to pick up the coffee. When he came back we pulled the cruisers side by side. Drivers doors barely inches apart. Both windows down. Steve introduced me to Jerry. The man, who I didn't know at the time, I would spend the next 21 years of my life with. We spoke and where civil. I had already heard many things about this man. I was friends with a girlfriend of his. She told me all about him. How nice he was, How funny he was, that he was married. How he wouldn't make any commitment to her. We finished our coffee and went our separate ways. Steve looked over and said, "Thats the infamous Jerry R., what do you think?". "Not much" I said. I should have stuck with my first impressions. Should have told my self. Self, you know he is not much. Maybe you should just stay away from him. He called the next day. I asked what he wanted. He wanted to be friends. I told him sorry I was busy. He pursued for months. I finally caved and we went to play video games. We hung around for awhile. I think it was sheer persistence on his part that finally wore away my defenses. In the meantime, he had moved out of his wife's trailer in to a trailer of his own. That I helped him find. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I was trailer trash.
Fast forward 6 months. I moved in with Jerry to the trailer, I had found. It was a hard transition. We fought often. The only thing that kept us together was that everyone expected us to fail. It was us against the world. Jerry was getting angrier by the minute. We had an argument, he threw the top of a glass candy dish at me. Direct hit, I hadn't learned to dodge yet.
The top split my lip open and bled everywhere. I was crying and bleeding. He got me a towel and held me. He cried and swore it would never happen again. I should have run, not walked out of that trailer. Never looked back. I didn't and that was the start.
There where different incidents over the years--a slap here, a push there. Black eyes and more busted lips. Lots of bruises. More then anything there where words. Fucking bitch, Lazy fat ass to name a few. I am here to tell you a lot of time words hurt more then the strikes. He was always sorry afterwards. He would break things, things that where important to me. There was the time I was laying in bed and he broke a plastic tube with water and floating fish over the footboard of the bed. I still have that bed. I lay in it and look at the scratches and wonder. Why did I stay so long? He broke chairs over tables, Glass to a 35 gallon aquarium. You name it he broke it. Some times in my direction other times just for the effect of it all. And still the words where the worst. Words can lift up. They can give happiness and let someone know they are loved.
They can also destroy. Destroy what little self confidence a person has. If the man that promised to love and honor you till death do us part, says you ain't shit. Over and over, again and again after 21 years you start believing him. Yet I still stayed.
I didn't want to be a failure. Didn't want to hear all those people who years ago said You won't stay married.
Then he retired. Almost three years ago, or maybe a little longer. The time sometimes runs into one long life. About a year before he retired a girl named Irene entered the picture. She needed saving, thats what police men do they save you.
She was mental and suicidal. He said she needed friends. We should be those friends, is what I was told. I said she wanted to be more then friends, but he wouldn't listen. 2 1/2 years later, two marriage counselors, and trying 100 percent, at least on my part. We are here today. The counselor said, Girl friend or marriage, make a choice. His choice was to not choose.
So I left in March of 2004, after 21 years I moved out to start a new life.
I have since moved across state, started a new job, and found a new love. The funny part of this story is that on Valentines day I signed my divorce papers and I don't feel sad. 21 years I will call that one hell of a learning experience. It's not a failure. A smart friend of mine once told me, we are all here to play our parts, for the time needed to play them, sometimes you just have to finish playing that part and move on to the next one. Thats what I am doing, I am moving on to the next part in my life. Do I know what it is at this time? No. Do I think it will be interesting? Yes. In the meantime I am luckier and happier then I was a year ago today. I have a man who makes me very happy. A best friend who is like a, No not like a , is a sister to me. That makes me richer today by far then this time last year. So that is where my Valentine's 2005 stands. Not bad, not great, just peaceful. Happy Valentines day! I hope your spending it with the one you love.